Changes: Goodbye to the old Em

If you guys don’t know it yet, I am not a fan of change. I am terrified of it, mainly because I don’t know what to expect. Change means not being in control and letting things fall into place. Planning has always been my thing, I like to know ahead of time or I panic. So  what changes am I talking about? I am talking about a new chapter. One that no longer involves school since I graduated.

Change happens every day whether we like it or not. We experience it in every form. I think the biggest way to see change in people’s lives now a days is through their Instagram feed. The way people’s posts change over the years. Whether its a new relationship, a pregnancy, new friends, a new style, a new career or destination. All these events that we  share with each other,  they all show the changes in our lives. For me, change at this very moment is the person that I am comparing to the person that I was. The end of this chapter in my life means leaving the old me in the past. The me that was dependent on men for happiness, the one that would put herself second to others, the girl who would constantly compare herself, who doubted herself and lived in fear. I guess one day I just woke up and decided that I loved myself just the way that I was and that I respected myself enough to know when to walk away from something.

I realized that this perfect romance that I was chasing did not exist YET. Because in order for me to grow old with someone, I have to grow up first. I need to go out and experience life, live out my dreams for ME so that I wont ever have regrets. We live in a weird time to fall in love, things are most definitely not as simple as they used to be. People don’t commit as much, there’s a thing called friends with benefits, people’s feelings change over night, and when things get hard, people walk away. So why fall for someone right now? I cant handle any more of these boys masquerading as men that I have let into my heart and body only to find out that I did not have whatever power I needed to turn a beast into a prince. I grew up believing in fairytales. From a young age we are taught that we are princesses waiting for this prince to come and rescue us but in reality we are so much more. We could easily be the fairy godmother to a friend who needs help. We can be the genie in the lamp when were trying to meet everyone’s expectations all at once but most importantly, we can be Prince Charming because a princess who can respect herself, can rescue herself.

I am weeks away from the biggest change that I have ever had to go through. I am traveling back to Europe to see my family, starting a career somewhere and traveling to new places. I am basically leaving what has been familiar to me for years for something new.  Traveling alone is scary but I am also not getting any younger. I need to push myself to do the things that have terrified me, even if it means not knowing what to expect. So here I am, leaving my old job, my friends, people that became important to me, Panera bread, my gym, my house, my first car, all for a new and exciting fresh start. I am saying goodbye to the old Em and hello to the new one. You guys get to come along with me. Every step of the way.

 

Drunk Thoughts

I had a little bit to drink tonight. Don’t worry I did not drive myself home, I took an uber with my friend. Alcohol is a dangerous thing when you are trying to forget about someone. I am trying to break away from a guy that just is not good for me. He doesn’t want a relationship, he lead me on and calls me when he’s in need of a bootycall. So I have decided not to talk to him anymore because I deserve better. I haven’t texted him first in over a week which is something I am really proud of. He on the other hand texted me Tuesday, probably because he was wondering why he hadn’t heard from me. He actually for the first time in the three months that I have known him apologized for how rude he was the last time he saw me on my birthday. But that was an apology for only one day not all of the other pain that he has caused me.

I really hope that this blog makes sense because as I said I had a few drinks but I felt the need to write. The more alcohol I consumed the more my strong independent self disappeared. I suddenly had the urge to text him, to see him, to feel him next to me. It was  terrible. One minute I am laughing, feeling good and the next I wanted to cry, see him and ask him why I was never good enough for him to  date. I wrote his name out and typed the text out but I kept forcing myself to delete it. Telling myself it was a mistake, that it would only end up hurting me in the morning when things were clear again. The whole time I starred at my phone wondering if he was going to text me to come over. I starred at a black screen all night, because guess what? He never texted. Its sickening how much control this guy actually has. I don’t even realize it. The whole night I had this small thought in the back of my head, “what if he texts me to come over?” He’s probably not even worried about me. He probably has someone else. But here I am, the caring one, thinking of him. This bad guy who doesn’t deserve anything from me. My friends reminded me that I did not need him the whole time but you know how it goes. My heart can sometimes overpower the logic in my mind.

To end this I just want to say that I am currently eating McDonald’s in bed. I did not text him. He did not text me. Alcohol is just a very dangerous thing when it comes to dealing with people who feel things. If you’re someone whose drinking and fighting the urge to text someone, you are strong because damn this crap is hard to do. But you will thank yourself in the morning. Good night guys.

When he’s hooked on his ex

I was never in a situation where a guy was still hooked on his ex until I met the football player in college. I’m not too happy with him so he’ll remain the football player with no name. I have used guys for rebound before, let’s face it, we all have. But they ended up being guys I dated down the line which clearly was not a good idea since none of them worked out. I met this guy in one of my classes, I had a pretty big crush on him from day one.

One day I found him on Instagram because you know us girls and how great we are at undercover work. So I found him and asked him a question about class (which I knew the answer too but I needed to start the conversation). We talked and than we talked about our lives and how we we’re both from Europe which I thought was pretty cool. He messaged me a few days later and that was it besides the occasional smile in class. I was trying to flirt but he didn’t seem interested. I actually started worrying that he was gay or hiding something from me. The hiding part was correct.

After a while he FINALLY started flirting with me and talking to me more. I was over the moon about it! Until he told me his dirty little secret… ladies and gentlemen let me introduce you to …… the man who was still emotionally involved with his ex…… ( insert suspense sound effect). On a more serious note let me tell you guys some more background. I did not see this coming at all, he never mentioned her. There was no sign anywhere that she was even real or I would have never even thought of flirting ! So when he did start talking to me more he told me that he wanted to be honest with me. He told me about this girl he had been seeing since the summer and how they had been together for a while but they were never really exclusive. He also found out that she was sleeping with other guys and that she did not want to commit, so basically she hurt him. Yes, some women are assholes it’s not always men. I should have known better than to believe him when he said he was over it. Lying is such a simple thing now a days. It becomes natural to certain people.

So we kept talking. I had butterflies, I was excited to talk to him. My crush was showing interest in me. He was coming back from Europe and we were planning on seeing each other when he got back. We got to the last two weeks…. than I opened my mouth. I noticed this girl watching my stories on Instagram, I did not know her or even followed her… but he did. So I asked him who she was and all hell broke loose. The man became stressed, asking all these questions and being all weirded out. Ummmm okay did I miss something ? The girl was his ex whatever she was. So he was all paranoid thinking us seeing each other was a bad idea and than the truth came out. He admitted to still caring about her and we ended the conversation with him saying “this is weird, I’m going to bed,” and me saying “yup.” Yeah I’m pissed buddy, I was led on yet again.

I have dealt with a lot of scenarios when it comes to men but this was a first. I cried for a short period of time wondering why I kept meeting terrible people and getting hurt. The typical “why me” speech. I am still at a loss for words. I don’t even know how to feel. Should I feel bad for him? For me? For no one? I’m emotionally exhausted. Nothing good could come out of that situation so who even knows at this point. I felt used, completely used. I wanted to write an apology letter to every rebound guy in my life if I had ever made them feel that way. Which I don’t think I ever have because I’m a person that cares for other people’s feelings more than my own (terrible trait to have I know). If you guys have had a similar experience let me know it’s always good to know you’re not alone !

Grown-ish

Tonight is a stressful night for me. Its the night before my birthday. I know a lot of you are gonna roll your eyes but I’m serious. Getting older is something that has always freaked me out. I am turning 23 years old. Seven years away from being thirty and you may laugh at this but I remember turning sixteen and now I am about to be 23. Time goes by so quick. I think when I was younger I assumed that by now I would have a lot more figured out than what I actually do.

I was having a conversation with one of my best friends who just got engaged last night. She is absolutely exhausted. She is working two jobs, paying rent for an apartment with her fiancé, they just got a cat, she hasn’t been working out and has been stress eating which caused her to gain weight. All these things really hit me hard. I remember us in high school, or sophomore year in college. We were careless. Just living life, not worried about the real world, having fun, no responsibilities and just like that here we are. The two girls who once had crazy ideas are now sitting on a couch exhausted and stressed out about life. Trying to figure out how to be adults but also trying to live like a 22 year old should.

I always told myself that I wanted more than an office job. I wanted more than to deal with my job, I wanted to love it. I wanted more than to just constantly work, get married and have kids without actually enjoying life. In Italy we have this saying “Il Dolce Far Niente,” the sweetness of doing nothing. I love that saying because sometimes doing nothing is just what someone needs. Since coming to the United States I see how work driven people are. In fact many of them don’t take the time to enjoy the little things in life. They work, they save and that’s it. My friend looked at me and said “I don’t know how not to work,” how crazy is that? I guess I just always wanted more for myself. I wanted adventure, memories, I wanted to see things and learn things. I wanted and still want to change the world, save lives. Obviously I can do those things now that I graduated but its scary. That first step is always scary. You get overwhelmed trying to figure out where to start. I come from a family that has sacrificed a lot for the younger generations (my cousins and I). I was the first to graduate college and I will be one of the first to take that first step into the world on my own. I also think the fact that its getting closer is freaking me out or that I really just don’t want to make a mistake.

Now that the holidays are over I will write more. I have so many things to say honestly but today I am going to go enjoy my birthday well in a few hours because its midnight right now.

Dating Again? Where is the exit sign!?

When you’re getting over someone dating again is either a good thing or a disaster. I’m not talking about a rebound. I’m talking about having dinner and hanging out with someone new to take a step towards moving on from someone else. Let me tell you guys my experience.

I was on my second date with the guy that I had met at the bar. The first date was good, he was sweet and a gentleman although he did have me meet him at chipotle instead of picking me up. Minor details, I’m just a little old fashioned. We talked for a few hours and when we left, he did not walk me to my car but he did give me a hug. Now the second date I am sure is going to make some of you laugh. I told him to just come over, I was home alone so I told him that we could watch a movie. Now I can see how most guys would automatically think I would want sex because it’s an empty house but I had no intentions of sleeping with the guy. I’m not the person to really sleep around at all. I already knew this was a bad idea because at the time I was getting over someone. I was constantly thinking about him and what if he texted me to see me (dumb I know).

When the guy got here I couldn’t even look at him, It just didn’t feel right. He kept asking me to come closer which I was already uncomfortable doing. After a while he decided to pull that cheesy yawn and put his arm around me move which was a fail because he ended up pulling my hair as he was trying to wrap his arm around me …which really hurt ! So his arm is now around me and I can just feel my body tensing up so I text my friend Lyssa to save me. Only good friends will come up with excuses to get you out of a bad situation. She immediately calls me pretending to be at a bar drunk and needing a ride. Her boyfriend was in the background playing “Africa” by Toto to make it sound like she was at a bar (my heroes). After 10 minutes she FaceTimes me with her coat on outside to tell me she was waiting outside and I need to hurry up, she really took it to another level. I was trying so hard not to burst out laughing.

I felt so bad he actually wanted to come with me or wait for me but there was no way. I rushed into something I was not ready for. Not to mention that he turned out to be much younger. I think part of me just wanted to forget about you know who faster. I just wanted to feel something other than what I’ve been feeling while trying to get over him. I was putting myself out there and meeting new people like the billions of magazine articles and YouTube videos have told me to do. Clearly time is the only thing that’s really going to help me. So dating is going to have to wait a while until I’m back to being 100% me.

The Manipulator

Don’t you just love meeting one of these creatures? The manipulators, a breed that has only increased over the years. The only thing they are good at is fucking with your head and making you feel like absolute shit about yourself. Its not just me going through it with Al but my friends and sister too. They all have their own versions. Let me tell you guys some of the stories.

  1. My sister had met this guy named Steve. Now Steve has been stringing her along for seven months. They met at work, at first there was nothing really wrong with him. He was your average guy, so she thought. It started with making plans and him always cancelling them. When my sister had enough, he would sweet talk his way back in, making up some dumb excuse and making her feel bad. His argument was that he was too afraid to commit again because of his last relationship. Now seven months down the road I asked her what she was still doing holding on to this guy. My sister told me that he had finally said that he was ready to start dating her (how convenient). Right after he said that he did not talk to her for a week. A week goes by and I get a phone call from her. She was bawling her eyes out because Steve, the grown 40 years old man had posted a picture of him out on a date with another girl. She finally decided to block him, good for her because for the most of us that is hard to do.
  2. My best friend is the second story, now our friendship goes way back to high school. Her and I are the exact same person and seeing her and my sister go through this or anyone that I know or don’t know for that matter kills me. Hers is named Will. Will is a nurse that works at the same hospital as her. He was everything she was looking for (on paper). When they met it was amazing, she was so happy. He was a bit older than her but not by much. Just enough to have her thinking that he was mature (HA what a joke). He took her out to dinner to meet his friends, they would talk for hours, hangout and he even cooked her dinner at his place. After a few months she started developing feelings for this guy. Its like guys can sense when feelings become involved because right after that he told her he did not want anything serious. WHY are they never upfront with their intentions, seriously.  He had gotten out of a six years relationship and he thought it was his fault. My friend is a caring person so she tried to understand despite how hurt she was. Again this goes on for months.  She would ask to see him, he would barely ask her. I know what you’re all thinking but we have all been there. We think we can change them and we suffer. To make a long story short the last time they hung out they had a conversation. A long conversation that if I were her I would have killed him for having it with me. This guy had the nerves to look at her and tell her about all the girls he had slept with after her and that he had been talking to his ex again. WHO DOES THAT? She is still trying to get over him right now, she hasn’t looked at his social media or anything.
  3. This is a short one, my college friend. She went through a bad breakup and closed herself off to men. She met this one guy, David. She called me as soon as the night ended to tell me all about this guy and how she actually felt something again. They hung out and talked but right off the bat I could tell he really only wanted one thing. I did warn her not too but come on now would you listen? Probably not. So she made that mistake and the guy had talked to her for another week until he just stopped answering her messages. She was trying not to panic, she kept texting him and I could see her hurting. She let her guard down and this guy turned out to be another jerk.  He wouldn’t answer her but I guess his Snapchat score kept going up from what she told me. I saw her today, she told me she’s been crying non stop over this guy who kept making her all these promises. Again words are just words, we should all get that tattooed on us.
  4. Me, well guys I am just as much of a mess. My fantasy with Al had been slowly hurting me but this last week it actually did. I knew what my stupid self was doing seeing a guy who had told me he wanted me as well as other people after two months of us acting like we were dating (Read previous blogs for updates). He called me the other night. He was drunk and needed a ride, me being me I go and get him. He is drunk so you know how sweet they can get. At this point I thought I was numb to the pain and was slowly getting used to the idea that I was never gonna be enough for him. We get to his house and the words, the words he said just fogged my brain. Telling me that if I wasn’t in his life he would be hurt blah blah. I lost my pride and self respect that night. The next morning was what killed me. He took a phone call and was telling his friend how he went to the hotel hoping this one girl was there and he realized that I was right there so he tells his friend that he would tell him later. There I was the moron who picked him up from toga at 1 a.m, when he was also trying to get with someone else. I was convenient to him, literally was an option. Talk about slap in the face, why don’t you kick me in the crotch and spit in my face while were at it. I am way too nice to people who are not deserving. I knew he would be trying to go with other people but for some reason I did not want to believe it. I was holding on to what I thought was him instead of the reality of him. The ironic part is he kept telling me to stop thinking that he was an asshole….okayyyy.

I wanted to hurt him so bad, the same way he hurt me for months but I couldn’t. The pain I felt in my chest all day, the countless times that I had to swallow my tears but I couldn’t so I cried to my friends and my mom who wanted to murder him by the way. My mom did make me feel a bit better though. She said: “he is the one who is going to lose because to pass up a girl as amazing as you, is a big loss. He will never meet another one like you.” Honestly whenever I am upset she is the first person I go too. These guys, I don’t even know anymore. I have no words for them, just a lot of disappointment. I honestly partially blame some girls for allowing these guys to have that behavior (including me). We should not be treated that way or let someone treat us that way. It makes it look like its okay when its not. Why be so upset over someone you never really had? That is honestly something I am trying to figure out. Maybe its because we hold on to good memories and the what if ‘s that we ignore all the red flags. Seriously I tend to go for the opposite of what I need and even if I don’t I chose to ignore red flags when I shouldn’t. Right now I’m hurting, I’m not going to lie. I don’t even know what to think or do with myself but I keep pushing because I have been through worse. Letting go is something that I am terrible at doing, seriously it is so hard but I have to no matter how many sweet words the man speaks. The first step is erasing him from my life for good and that right there is the hard to do. The second is I really need to learn to respect myself and work on myself.  In fact I do have some pretty big changes coming up but I will tell you guys about it in another blog.

Finals

Ahhhh finals that amazing time of the year where my stress level is so high it feels like I am about to have a panic attack every thirty seconds. This isn’t just any regular end of the semester for me, these are my last finals as an undergrad student. Basically if I don’t pass these finals I am screwed.  Obviously everyone tries to reassure me. They say that everything is going to be fine and that’s sweet and all but they are not the ones going through it. I have twenty different assignments due on the same day and on top of that  I have to study for exams. Exams that are scheduled on the same day! How twisted are these professors?!

This week is so much unnecessary stress. These professors wait to give out guides at the last minute not to mention assign homework….let me just throw myself out of a window while were at it, it might hurt less. If you’re like me you will start to think about everything that could go wrong, about backup plans like running away to Aruba and opening a surf shop. You think of everything that still has to be done and studied for and that is how stress increases. But the main thing for me is that I want this for myself and for my family. We waited so long for this, it cannot blow up in my face. I hate that feeling of disappointment. If finals weren’t bad enough they make you wait like five extra days for official grades to be posted.

Some tips I have if you are going through this; take a break or two. If you feel like your head is going to explode turn on something funny on TV and just take a minute to breathe. I always watch ‘Friends,” that show always has me laughing. Eat some chocolate, this might just be my thing honestly but chocolate always puts me in a better mood. Listen to some music, in my opinion music fixes everything (for a short period of time). I’m going to tell you guys something a little embarrassing but what’s been helping me a lot is listening to subliminal videos. Its a video with positive affirmations playing in the background mine is to manifest passing my finals. It may sound silly but the sounds in the video calm me down and I become more positive instead of negative and overthinking every detail. I am the queen of overthinking which is a terrible habit. Working out helps me a lot, running while listening to music always helps me to relax. Telling myself that I am not the only one going through this is also very helpful, were all going through it. Unfortunately I do not have the calm and peaceful attitude that most people have. I don’t just think positively all the time and wake up like Cinderella with birds singing and everything being peachy. I am a very stressed out person who does think of the future and panic. I try living in the moment but its just not who I am. I am a planner even if it doesn’t workout that way its fine but at least I had some type of idea, I cannot just wing it. Anyways enough about that. I am gonna go re read my study guide!

Ill be posting probably on Thursday once my finals are over because I do need to focus but wish me luck guys! I’m going to need it.