I had a little bit to drink tonight. Don’t worry I did not drive myself home, I took an uber with my friend. Alcohol is a dangerous thing when you are trying to forget about someone. I am trying to break away from a guy that just is not good for me. He doesn’t want a relationship, he lead me on and calls me when he’s in need of a bootycall. So I have decided not to talk to him anymore because I deserve better. I haven’t texted him first in over a week which is something I am really proud of. He on the other hand texted me Tuesday, probably because he was wondering why he hadn’t heard from me. He actually for the first time in the three months that I have known him apologized for how rude he was the last time he saw me on my birthday. But that was an apology for only one day not all of the other pain that he has caused me.
I really hope that this blog makes sense because as I said I had a few drinks but I felt the need to write. The more alcohol I consumed the more my strong independent self disappeared. I suddenly had the urge to text him, to see him, to feel him next to me. It was terrible. One minute I am laughing, feeling good and the next I wanted to cry, see him and ask him why I was never good enough for him to date. I wrote his name out and typed the text out but I kept forcing myself to delete it. Telling myself it was a mistake, that it would only end up hurting me in the morning when things were clear again. The whole time I starred at my phone wondering if he was going to text me to come over. I starred at a black screen all night, because guess what? He never texted. Its sickening how much control this guy actually has. I don’t even realize it. The whole night I had this small thought in the back of my head, “what if he texts me to come over?” He’s probably not even worried about me. He probably has someone else. But here I am, the caring one, thinking of him. This bad guy who doesn’t deserve anything from me. My friends reminded me that I did not need him the whole time but you know how it goes. My heart can sometimes overpower the logic in my mind.
To end this I just want to say that I am currently eating McDonald’s in bed. I did not text him. He did not text me. Alcohol is just a very dangerous thing when it comes to dealing with people who feel things. If you’re someone whose drinking and fighting the urge to text someone, you are strong because damn this crap is hard to do. But you will thank yourself in the morning. Good night guys.