To J

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this but do you think I could tell you something without it upsetting you?
I miss you.
It’s almost been a year since you left and I still find myself missing you when I run out of things to distract myself with. When we first met I fell head over heels for you. The way you looked at me, I can’t ever forget that. It was all new and exciting. We had the whole world and endless possibilities. I thought we could handle anything. That nothing could break us but somewhere along the way something did. I guess even the most beautiful things fall apart. If you’re lucky, those rare beautiful things can be fixed but we weren’t so lucky. It takes more than one person to rebuild, you walked away. You left me with the bittersweet flashbacks of our relationship. That’s the thing about grief. It hits us at the most random times. Like a drive past our favorite spot, a song on the radio, a movie or a restaurant. It all causes a flood of memories. Even the simplest of things like going to get ice cream from the store will set off memories with you. As unbearable as the pain is, I don’t regret you because you made me so happy. I needed you in my life to help me grow up. As much as I wanted to hold on to you and keep everything the same, I couldn’t. I don’t blame you for leaving if it’s what you needed. Sometimes I wish we could have one more of everything. One more meaningful conversation on your bed, one more kiss, and one more car ride, one more time of lying in your arms, one more trip to the grocery store together. But it would never be enough. Those one more’s will never add up to a lifetime. That’s all I ever wanted, a lifetime of us. I wish I never had to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real. There are no more one more’s. The idea that these one more’s will get something out of my system to make me feel better isn’t real. Certain things are just meant to be left in the past. The more you try and relive them or fix them, the more damage you cause to yourself. I guess this is the part where I chose myself now. I am so sad but grateful that I felt this kind of love for you. Maybe that’s why I’m still hurting, because it was real and that doesn’t just go away. As much as I would love to find closure, I don’t think I ever will. There are so many things I wish that I could say to you, but I know you won’t listen. Instead here is a letter you might never see, 521 words. Maybe this isn’t our journey anymore or maybe one day our paths will cross again. If they don’t I will always remember just how beautiful it all was, us, because we were magic, forever.

2 thoughts on “To J

  1. That was very deep!! A love like that has to be meant to be!! Never give up that fight if it’s what you feel inside. The one more of everything sucks….they hurt but give a bittersweet pain. Follow your heart. Just think about this….Noah built Noah’s Ark all by himself. Nothing in life is impossible. True love always finds a way back to your heart if it’s meant to be. I felt that to my core 💔 just hold on to these stormy days and nights and realize at some point the sun will shine again brighter than it did before.


    1. Thank you, I think he’s definitely my soulmate he’s made me feel something that no one else could but he also had a lot to handle in his life. As of right now I don’t know what will happen I really hope that we find our way back to eachother though ❤️


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