Surviving a Breakup: Week 1

Breakup’s are the worst. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship lasted, you just lost someone that was important to you and that my friends is unbearable to say the least.
Part I: The Background
Let me take you back to six months ago. I had rekindled a friendship with someone I had met in high school. I decided to reach out to him on social media and we started talking again. The talking continued everyday. After a while he became a part of my daily routine and seeing his name pop up on my screen became the highlight of all my days. I was crazy about him. He was everything I was looking for in a guy. His personality matched mine, he was smart, simple, fun, sweet, different and old fashioned. I will spare you some of the details but we really did take our time before making it official. I guess he hadn’t dated anyone in years so this whole dating thing was practically new to him. After a month of dating things started to change. His behavior, the way he talked to me and acted. He was cold, angry and sad. It was like the person I had fallen for was gone. The person standing in front of me was not the same guy that I had been talking to for months. I tried everything, gave him space, got him his favorite things, motivated him but it never seemed to be enough. I thought it was a phase….and if this happens to you just know ITS NOT A PHASE. Fast forward to a week before he was supposed to come over and meet my parents. I had bought him two new shirts and cleaned the whole place, everyone was excited to meet him. I talked him up so much!! I hadn’t been this excited about a person in a long time. Before you say maybe he got scared, he did not because he was the one to say that he wanted to meet them.

Part II: The End is Near
You know that gut feeling you get when you know it’s going to end but you try to ignore it and try to fix it but only end up making it worse and the truth comes out? I could feel his texts hinting towards something bad. Although instead of saying “we need to talk,” the guy said, “It’s time we talk about us and why I have such a hard time opening up.” I guess at that moment I felt some relief thinking he was finally going to open up to me (BECAUSE THATS ALL WE EVER WANT FROM YOU MEN TO OPEN UP DAMNIT) but no. That day I was going in for surgery and when I came out still under medication, he tells me he has to call me instead of just coming and seeing me. He calls and with the most emotionless tone of voice you could possibly have ends our relationship. I was trying to make sense of it all since again just had surgery and I really did not think he would actually end it. At that moment I did what most girls in my position would have done. I cried, I begged, I lost my self respect over a guy that seriously could careless about me. I won’t go out and say the reason for the breakup, it’s not my place but it made sense as to why he had a sudden change of behavior. I again made yet another smart decision to text him 30 times and get zero reply. Although I did text him after a few days that I missed him and hoped he would get better to which he replied “thank you.” THANK YOU?! You just ripped my heart out and lied to me for months and that’s all I get?! I don’t know why I expected anything more honestly.

Part III: The Aftermath
It has now been a week since the breakup and I think I may have cried myself dry. When he took down our relationship status on Facebook as dumb as it sounds, it really killed me. You always think that they need time to cool off and they will come back but no. For some reason when you’re going through a breakup social media is either super depressing or super relatable. The first stage of a breakup is depressing, it’s a lot of crying alone, to your friends and family. You hear the same things over and over again: “He’s an asshole,” “he doesn’t deserve you,” “don’t waste your tears on him,” “he will get his Karma,” “you’ll meet someone better.” I mean all true statements but who wants to hear that about a guy they wanted a future with? No one that’s who. The first few days are hard, you cry yourself to sleep maybe dream about them and wake up having to remind yourself that it’s over and there won’t be anymore good morning texts. You keep talking to your friends about it and some are brutally honest which makes you not like what they have to say even though its true and the other group of friends try to spare your feelings. Both equally appreciated. You also have to remove them from social media because seeing them follow someone new or post something new is going to crush you. Also I learned this the hard way but do not ask mutual friends about how they are doing like I did. The response I got back was “he acted like nothing was wrong.” NOTHING WRONG?! Heartless monster was my first thought because while he was out living it up with the boys I was in bed ugly crying, wearing oversized clothes, missing him. Obviously being angry never lasts long for me. I was back to reminiscing on the “good times” thinking of things I could have done differently to keep him around and crying over everything I would no longer have or get to have with him. There’s a hole in your heart and you have to learn to live with it for a while. If you’re anything like me when we date we give 100%. We want to make them feel special and appreciated and sometimes we literally get zero in return. We also get annoyed that we have yet again wasted perfectly good energy and have to start all over.

I am currently at the part where I am starting to see the red flags I ignored. I am slowly coming to terms with things changing and not being able to see him or that sweet dog of his. I won’t lie as much as he hurt me I miss him, I genuinely miss that insensitive person. Maybe it’s because I did genuinely think he was amazing, I saw something in him that he didn’t see, maybe it was the way he made me feel at times, or the plans we had for our future. You know, I have to really remind myself to this day that words really are just words. Sometimes I look at my phone and remember that I cant text him anymore and that sucks. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me at all or feels bad but that’s not healthy. This is one of those moments where you have to let go. Let go and remind yourself that it was not your fault and that you really are a bad ass human being. Someone that needs time but eventually will be just fine.

Quote #1

Hey guys! This isn’t an actual blog post it’s more of a quote. One of the things I like to do is write quotes or at least I try to 😫… I just finished this one last night so I figured I’d post it!!

“Life is incomprehensible. As human beings we try so hard to plan our lives but eventually we learn that plans don’t always workout. We go through phases, were always changing and adjusting. Sometimes the universe will throw us off when it’s all going our way. Sometimes we’re going to find ourselves at a crossroad trying to figure out who we’re supposed to be, and what were supposed to do. We might lose ourselves for a minute trying to meet everyone’s expectations. There will be times when we are going to feel pain and ask why it’s all happening but other times more often than not, there will be moments where we are going to be undeniably happy. Those are the moments to remember because even though life is unpredictable, there will always be those moments that you never saw coming and those moments are worth living for. The rest will fall into place when the time is right, you’ll see, for now just live and love unconditionally and know you’re doing great.”

Simply You

We are given one life and one life only. It is our job to live it to the fullest and exactly the way we want it. But that can be hard to do sometimes. I have my small insecurities and in fact I’m sure that I’m not the only one. Sometimes those insecurities get the best of you. They have a way of making you overthink. For me, showing the world who I am hasn’t always been easy. I always makeup scenarios in my mind about all the things that could go wrong. I was just scared of letting this part of me out into the world and having it be judged because lets face it, people will judge everything and anything. It takes time to master the whole not caring about what people say/ think attitude. Sometimes you’ll listen to a song that will hype you up or your friends give you a confidence boost but that doesn’t last forever, it lasts a moment. The moment passes when the smallest thing to happen has you second guessing yourself. I mean honestly how many times have we heard people say “just be yourself?” Hundreds of times but its a lot easier said than done.

I miss being a kid. Growing up you never had to worry about anything.  You could wear whatever you wanted, like a princess dress or have your belly hanging out of your shirt without being body shamed and everything you did would be totally fine. You could say, act, do whatever and it was accepted. As adults society created expectations so we force ourselves to fit this mold.

My social media is one part of me. I don’t mean the “fake” part of me. I mean the part of me that I’m comfortable sharing. I post about the clothes I wear, my friends, family, the hikes I go on, my fitness journey, places that I traveled to and so on. So what is it that I don’t show the world? My writing for one, I love writing. Writing is how I express myself. I got that from my nonna. When I first moved to the United States we would always write letters to each other even if we talked on the phone everyday. Letters are more personal and more people should do it. This blog is also something I’ve kept to myself even though I have been considering making it public. I like to read poetry, books, I love looking at art. You can’t ever be wrong with art. You just makeup a story as to what you think the painting means and there would be no right or wrong answer. I love taking long drives, I love sunsets and I love seeing the stars. Things that make you feel things and think. Things most people would find boring. There’s a lot more to it but I won’t make this a long post. Being yourself is the only thing that you should be in this world because it’s you. At the end of the day we only have one life and tomorrow is never promised.

Reality and Fantasy

I have been getting caught up on the show “This is Us,” a lot of you might know it. If you do, two words, Jack Pearson. Every female on this earth deserves a Jack Pearson. The man is basically perfect besides his small issues.

I for one think it is possible to meet someone like Jack Pearson. Some of my friends don’t. Most of them will say that it’s just a show and unrealistic. That just shows how getting hurt over and over again can take a tole on a person. I understand where they’re coming from though, sometimes I have to remind myself that all guys can’t be bad. I mean the qualities that Jack has are normal. They are qualities that a man should possess if he was raised right. Now a days yes, it does seem almost impossible to meet someone with at least two of those qualities but we have to believe that someone out there has them.

Romantic movies are both realistic and unrealistic. Unrealistic would be where the guy runs to the airport, stops the plane and tells the girl that he’s in love with her and they live happily ever after. Have you seen airport security now a days? It’s not happening. The realistic part is the kind of love that has you wanting to wake up next to that person everyday. A relationship where you both lift each other up, push each other to do better and love each other. Where you can laugh with each other and talk. Life doesn’t ever get boring because you have that one person by your side. I have seen it happen to people which is why I have to keep reminding myself that eventually it will happen to me.

Sometimes having these bad experiences with men especially with how some of them are now a days, it just kills that romance part in you. You almost start to accept the way they are and the way that they treat you out of fear or something (this can be for men too, I know women are just as bad at times). It is scary but you also have to know your worth and chose yourself. Sometimes I feel like I should just go live in the jungle and hopefully meet Tarzan. At least he wasn’t exposed to today’s society or any society for that matter. It’s okay to focus on yourselves and your careers because at least your career wont change the way it feels about you one day and walk out.

Changes

If you guys don’t know it yet, I am not a fan of change. In fact, I am terrified of it, mainly because I don’t know what to expect. Change means not being in control and letting things fall into place. Planning has always been my thing even though plans never work.

Change happens every day whether we like it or not. We experience it in every form. I think the biggest way to see change in people’s lives now a days is through their Instagram feed. The way people’s posts change over the years. Whether its a new relationship, a pregnancy, new friends, a new style, a new career or destination. All these events that we  share with each other,  they all show the changes in our lives. For me, change at this very moment is the person that I am comparing to the person that I was. The end of this chapter in my life means leaving the old me in the past. The me that was dependent on people for happiness, the one that would put herself second to others, the girl who would constantly compare herself, and doubted herself. I guess one day I just woke up and decided that I loved myself just the way I was and that I respected myself enough to know when to walk away from something.

I realized that this perfect romance that I was chasing did not exist YET. Because in order for me to grow old with someone, I have to grow up first. I need to go out and experience life, live out my dreams for ME so that I wont ever have regrets. We live in a weird time to fall in love, things are most definitely not as simple as they used to be. People don’t commit as much, there’s a thing called friends with benefits, people’s feelings change over night, and when things get hard, people walk away. So why fall for someone right now? It took me a while but I finally figured out that I did not have whatever power I needed to turn a boy into a man. It was never my job. You can’t make someone something that they’re not. I grew up believing in fairytales. Ever since we were little most of us have been told that we are princesses waiting for this prince to come and rescue us but in reality we are so much more. We could easily be the fairy godmother to a friend who needs our help. We can be the genie in the lamp when were trying to meet everyone’s expectations all at once but most importantly, we can be Prince Charming because a princess who can respect herself, can rescue herself.

I am weeks away from the biggest change that I have ever had to go through. I am basically leaving what has been familiar to me for years for something new. I just need to push myself. So here I am, leaving my old job, people that became important to me, and seeing how far I can really go. You guys get to come along with me, every step of the way.

 

Grown-ish

Tonight is a stressful night for me. Its the night before my birthday. I know a lot of you are gonna roll your eyes but I’m serious. Getting older is something that has always freaked me out. I am turning 23 years old. Seven years away from being thirty and you may laugh at this but I remember turning 16 and now Im about to be 23. Time goes by way too fast. I think when I was younger I assumed that by now I would have a lot more figured out than what I actually do.

I was talking with one of my friends who just got engaged. She is exhausted. She works two jobs, pays rent for an apartment with her fiancé, just bought a cat and she doesn’t have a lot of time for herself anymore. I guess this is considered “adulting.” I remember us in high school, or sophomore year in college. We were careless. Just living life, not worried about the real world, having fun, no responsibilities and just like that here we are. The two girls who once had extraordinary ideas sitting on a couch exhausted and stressed out about their ordinary lives. Both trying to figure out how to be adults but also trying to live like 22 years olds should.

I always told myself that I wanted more than an office job. I wanted more than to deal with my job, I wanted to love it. I wanted more than to just constantly work, get married and have kids without actually enjoying life. In Italy we have this saying “Il Dolce Far Niente,” the sweetness of doing nothing. I love that saying because sometimes doing nothing is just what someone needs. Enjoying the little things in life. Since coming to the United States I see how work driven people are. In fact many of them don’t take the time to enjoy the little things. They work, they save and that’s it. My friend actually said “I don’t know how not to work,” I guess I just always wanted more. I wanted adventure, to feel something exciting, I wanted to see things and learn things. I wanted and still want to change the world, and save lives. Obviously I can do those things now that I graduated but its scary. That first step is always scary. You get overwhelmed trying to figure out where to start. I come from a family that has sacrificed a lot for the younger generations (my cousins and I). I was the first to graduate college and I will be one of the first to take that first step into the world on my own.

Now that the holidays are over I will write more. I have so many things to say honestly but today I am going to go enjoy my birthday !!! Well in a few hours because its midnight right now.

Finals

Ahhhh finals that amazing time of the year where my stress level is so high it feels like I am about to have a panic attack every thirty seconds. This isn’t just any regular end of the semester for me, these are my last finals as an undergrad student. Basically if I don’t pass these finals I am screwed.  Obviously everyone tries to reassure me. They say that everything is going to be fine and that’s sweet and all but they are not the ones going through it. I have twenty different assignments due on the same day and on top of that  I have to study for exams. Exams that are scheduled on the same day! How twisted are these professors?!

This week is so much unnecessary stress. These professors wait to give out guides at the last minute not to mention assign homework….let me just throw myself out of a window while were at it, it might hurt less. If you’re like me you will start to think about everything that could go wrong, about backup plans like running away to Aruba and opening a surf shop. You think of everything that still has to be done and studied for and that is how stress increases. But the main thing for me is that I want this for myself and for my family. We waited so long for this, it cannot blow up in my face. I hate the feeling of disappointment.

If finals weren’t bad enough they make you wait like five extra days for official grades to be posted. But I figured I would share some tips with you guys if you are stressed about finals. Tips that have helped me a lot in the past.

1) Take a break or two. If you feel like your head is going to explode turn on something funny on TV and just take a minute to breathe. I always watch ‘Friends,” that show always has me laughing.

2) Eat some chocolate, this might just be my thing honestly but chocolate always puts me in a better mood.

3) Listen to music, in my opinion music fixes everything (for a short period of time).

4) BE POSITIVE, I’m going to tell you guys something a little embarrassing but what’s been helping me a lot is listening to subliminal videos. Its a video with positive affirmations playing in the background mine is to manifest passing my finals. It may sound silly but the sounds in the video calm me down and I become more positive instead of negative and overthinking every detail. I am the queen of overthinking which is a terrible habit.

5) Working out!!! This helps me a lot, running while listening to music always helps me to relax.

6) Reassure yourself, I try to tell myself that I am not the only one going through this. That we are all in this together.

Unfortunately I do not have the calm and peaceful attitude that most people have. I don’t just think positively all the time and wake up like Cinderella with birds singing and everything being peachy. I am a very stressed out person at school. Anyways enough about that. I am gonna go re read my study guide!

Ill be posting probably on Thursday once my finals are over because I do need to focus but wish me luck guys! I’m going to need it.