Hey guys! This is going to be a little different than my usual blogs. One of the things I like to do is write quotes or at least I try to 😫… I just finished this one last night so I figured I’d post it!!
“Life is incomprehensible. As human beings we try so hard to plan our lives but eventually we learn that plans don’t always workout. We go through phases, were always changing and adjusting. Sometimes the universe will throw us off when it’s all going our way. Sometimes we’re going to find ourselves at a crossroad trying to figure out who we’re supposed to be, and what were supposed to do. We might lose ourselves for a minute trying to meet everyone’s expectations. There will be times when we are going to feel pain and ask why it’s all happening but other times more often than not, there will be moments where we are going to be undeniably happy. Those are the moments to remember because even though life is unpredictable, there will always be those moments that you never saw coming and those moments are worth living for. The rest will fall into place when the time is right, you’ll see, for now just live and love unconditionally and know you’re doing great.”
We are given one life and one life only. It is our job to live it to the fullest and exactly the way we want it. But that can be hard to do sometimes. I have my small insecurities and in fact I’m sure that I’m not the only one. Sometimes those insecurities get the best of you. They have a way of making you overthink. For me, showing the world who I am hasn’t always been easy. I always makeup scenarios in my mind about all the things that could go wrong. I was just scared of letting this part of me out into the world and having it be judged because lets face it, people will judge everything and anything. It takes time to master the whole not caring about what people say/ think attitude. Sometimes you’ll listen to a song that will hype you up or your friends give you a confidence boost but that doesn’t last forever, it lasts a moment. The moment passes when the smallest thing to happen has you second guessing yourself. I mean honestly how many times have we heard people say “just be yourself?” Hundreds of times but its a lot easier said than done.
I miss being a kid. Growing up you never had to worry about anything. You could wear whatever you wanted, like a princess dress or have your belly hanging out of your shirt without being body shamed and everything you did would be totally fine. You could say, act, do whatever and it was accepted. As adults society created expectations so we force ourselves to fit this mold.
My social media is one part of me. I don’t mean the “fake” part of me. I mean the part of me that I’m comfortable sharing. I post about the clothes I wear, my friends, family, the hikes I go on, my fitness journey, places that I traveled to and so on. So what is it that I don’t show the world? My writing for one, I love writing. Writing has always been how I express myself. My nonna got me started. When I moved to the United States we would always write letters to each other even if we talked on the phone everyday. Letters are more personal and more people should do it. This blog is also something I’ve kept to myself even though I have been considering making it public. I like to read poetry, books, I love looking at art because I can just makeup a story as to what the painting means and there would be no right or wrong answer. I love driving two hours out just to go see a sunset or drive even further out if it means I get to see the stars. Things most people would find boring. There’s a lot more to it but I won’t make this a long blog. Being yourself is the only thing that you should be in this world because it’s you. At the end of the day we only have one life and tomorrow is never promised.
I started dating when I was 15 years old. At 15, I felt like a grown up even though I wasn’t at all. So last night I started thinking, what if the problem is that we start dating too soon? I mean by the time were 23 most of us will have dated a decent number of people and the chances are most of us were hurt by a lot of them. A lot of the guys that we dated were just dumb and immature, they had no idea what to look for in a girl. They had no idea that they were letting go of an amazing person and they wont until later down the road. The guys we dated were most likely infatuated with looks and the idea of having a girlfriend but the work wasn’t put in. We get so fed up with dating and were still so young. Most guys are not mature at all until they are in their 30’s. Maybe late 20’s but the guys I know and have met are not even close to being mature. They still think about partying, getting drunk on the weekends and sleeping around.
It just changes your perspective on meeting someone and you start to believe that it wont happen for you, that this is as good as its going to get. Well it’s not. I really believe that there are decent MEN out there and for men there are decent WOMEN. You just have to find each other and be patient. Obviously dating people is not a bad thing because it’s how you figure out what you like and want but maybe not starting so young. I swear 15 year old’s now a days don’t even know what being a kid means. Everyone is so eager to grow up.
Love is supposed to be this amazing thing. I have read about it, I have seen it but I have never actually felt it for someone. Well maybe I have but it wasn’t what you’d expect. I read so many comments from girls who were replaced, lied to, cheated on, hurt, manipulated. The list is endless. Girls begging for answers, trying to understand, waiting around, going back and blaming themselves. It breaks your heart, it definitely breaks mine. I have been through it. I understand that pain. I was strong enough to walk away, mainly because to me staying felt more impossible than leaving. I just don’t want any of you guys to settle, ever. Do not settle, do not chase them, do not wait around. Love yourself unconditionally and just know that when its meant to happen, it will.
Tonight I don’t really think I have an exact point that I am trying to make. It’s more of a thought that I have been wondering about so I thought id write about it. Basically we were hit with a pretty big snowstorm in upstate NY. This meant spending a lot of time in my room, thinking. Something that I have been avoiding for a while because I am in no state of mind to be thinking freely mainly because I’ll overthink. I am currently trying to make myself a stronger woman and It is a working progress. Letting go of the toxic things and people in my life one day at a time without overthinking every detail which I am still trying to master.
I have been getting caught up on the show “This is Us,” a lot of you might know it. If you do, two words, Jack Pearson. Every female on this earth deserves a Jack Pearson. He is caring, sweet, smart, brave, strong, compassionate. The man is basically perfect besides his small issues. When Im watching the show I forget about reality. I just feel my eyes tearing up from everything that man does for his wife, family and people around him. It makes me happy.
When an episode ends, reality sets back in. I for one think it is possible to meet someone like Jack Pearson, not the exact person but close. Some of my friends don’t. Most of them will say its just a show and that it only happens on TV, not in real life. How sad is that? This just shows how getting hurt over and over again can take a tole on a person. A tole that has them believing that love, real love only happens in movies. I understand where they’re coming from because sometimes I have to remind myself that all guys cant be bad. I mean the qualities that Jack has are normal. They are qualities that a man should possess if he was raised right. Now a days yes, it does seem almost impossible to meet someone with at least two of those characteristics but we have to believe that someone out there has them.
It’s strange because a part of me wants this movie romance. Not the unrealistic kind where the guy runs to the airport, stops the plane and tells the girl that he’s in love with her and they live happily ever after. I mean have you seen airport security now a days….it’s not happening. What I would like is the kind of love that has you wanting to wake up next to that person everyday. A relationship where you both lift each other up, push each other to do better and love each other. Where you can laugh and go out on spontaneous adventures. Life doesn’t ever get boring because you have that one person by your side. I have seen it happen to some people which is why I have to keep reminding myself that eventually it will happen.
Sometimes having these bad experiences with men especially with how some of them are now a days, it just kills that romance part of you. You almost start to accept the way they are and the way they treat you out of fear or something. I don’t know how to explain it. I will smile thinking of this made up romance I have going on in my mind until reality hits and I’m back to just having to remind myself that they cant all be bad. I mean hey I am even willing to give Joe Goldberg a try if he presented himself (YOU reference, show on Netflix). Okay maybe not, yes he was sweet but he was even more psycho and that is not a good mix. Sometimes I feel like I should just go live in the jungle and hopefully meet Tarzan. At least he wasn’t exposed to today’s society or any society for that matter. Right now I am currently working on starting my career because at least my career wont change the way it feels about me one day and leave. For now I will also keep fantasizing about Peter Kavinsky, Jack Pearson and all of my other on screen crushes. Goodnight guys!
If you guys don’t know it yet, I am not a fan of change. I am terrified of it, mainly because I don’t know what to expect. Change means not being in control and letting things fall into place. Planning has always been my thing even though plans never work anyways.
Change happens every day whether we like it or not. We experience it in every form. I think the biggest way to see change in people’s lives now a days is through their Instagram feed. The way people’s posts change over the years. Whether its a new relationship, a pregnancy, new friends, a new style, a new career or destination. All these events that we share with each other, they all show the changes in our lives. For me, change at this very moment is the person that I am comparing to the person that I was. The end of this chapter in my life means leaving the old me in the past. The me that was dependent on people for happiness, the one that would put herself second to others, the girl who would constantly compare herself, and who doubted herself. I guess one day I just woke up and decided that I loved myself just the way that I was and that I respected myself enough to know when to walk away from something.
I realized that this perfect romance that I was chasing did not exist YET. Because in order for me to grow old with someone, I have to grow up first. I need to go out and experience life, live out my dreams for ME so that I wont ever have regrets. We live in a weird time to fall in love, things are most definitely not as simple as they used to be. People don’t commit as much, there’s a thing called friends with benefits, people’s feelings change over night, and when things get hard, people walk away. So why fall for someone right now? I cant handle any more of these boys pretending to be men. The ones that I let into my life only to find out that I did not have whatever power I needed to turn a beast into a prince. I grew up believing in fairytales. From a young age we are told that we are princesses waiting for this prince to come and rescue us but in reality we are so much more. We could easily be the fairy godmother to a friend who needs help. We can be the genie in the lamp when were trying to meet everyone’s expectations all at once but most importantly, we can be Prince Charming because a princess who can respect herself, can rescue herself.
I am weeks away from the biggest change that I have ever had to go through. I am traveling back to Europe to see my family, starting grad school hopefully, starting a new job and I’m hoping to travel more. I am basically leaving what has been familiar to me for years for something new. I just need to push myself. So here I am, leaving my old job, people that became important to me, and seeing how far I can really go. You guys get to come along with me, every step of the way.
Tonight is a stressful night for me. Its the night before my birthday. I know a lot of you are gonna roll your eyes but I’m serious. Getting older is something that has always freaked me out. I am turning 23 years old. Seven years away from being thirty and you may laugh at this but I remember turning sixteen and now I am about to be 23. Time goes by so quick. I think when I was younger I assumed that by now I would have a lot more figured out than what I actually do.
I was having a conversation with one of my best friends who just got engaged last night. She is absolutely exhausted. She works two jobs, paying rent for an apartment with her fiancé, they just got a cat, she hasn’t been working out and has been stress eating. All these things really hit me hard. I remember us in high school, or sophomore year in college. We were careless. Just living life, not worried about the real world, having fun, no responsibilities and just like that here we are. The two girls who once had crazy ideas are now sitting on a couch exhausted and stressed out about life. Trying to figure out how to be adults but also trying to live like a 22 year old should.
I always told myself that I wanted more than an office job. I wanted more than to deal with my job, I wanted to love it. I wanted more than to just constantly work, get married and have kids without actually enjoying life. In Italy we have this saying “Il Dolce Far Niente,” the sweetness of doing nothing. I love that saying because sometimes doing nothing is just what someone needs. Enjoying the little things in life. Since coming to the United States I see how work driven people are. In fact many of them don’t take the time to enjoy the little things in life. They work, they save and that’s it. My friend looked at me and said “I don’t know how not to work,” how crazy is that? I guess I just always wanted more. I wanted adventure, memories, I wanted to see things and learn things. I wanted and still want to change the world, save lives. Obviously I can do those things now that I graduated but its scary. That first step is always scary. You get overwhelmed trying to figure out where to start. I come from a family that has sacrificed a lot for the younger generations (my cousins and I). I was the first to graduate college and I will be one of the first to take that first step into the world on my own. I also think the fact that its getting closer is freaking me out or that I really just don’t want to make a mistake.
Now that the holidays are over I will write more. I have so many things to say honestly but today I am going to go enjoy my birthday well in a few hours because its midnight right now.
Ahhhh finals that amazing time of the year where my stress level is so high it feels like I am about to have a panic attack every thirty seconds. This isn’t just any regular end of the semester for me, these are my last finals as an undergrad student. Basically if I don’t pass these finals I am screwed. Obviously everyone tries to reassure me. They say that everything is going to be fine and that’s sweet and all but they are not the ones going through it. I have twenty different assignments due on the same day and on top of that I have to study for exams. Exams that are scheduled on the same day! How twisted are these professors?!
This week is so much unnecessary stress. These professors wait to give out guides at the last minute not to mention assign homework….let me just throw myself out of a window while were at it, it might hurt less. If you’re like me you will start to think about everything that could go wrong, about backup plans like running away to Aruba and opening a surf shop. You think of everything that still has to be done and studied for and that is how stress increases. But the main thing for me is that I want this for myself and for my family. We waited so long for this, it cannot blow up in my face. I hate that feeling of disappointment. If finals weren’t bad enough they make you wait like five extra days for official grades to be posted.
Some tips I have if you are going through this; take a break or two. If you feel like your head is going to explode turn on something funny on TV and just take a minute to breathe. I always watch ‘Friends,” that show always has me laughing. Eat some chocolate, this might just be my thing honestly but chocolate always puts me in a better mood. Listen to some music, in my opinion music fixes everything (for a short period of time). I’m going to tell you guys something a little embarrassing but what’s been helping me a lot is listening to subliminal videos. Its a video with positive affirmations playing in the background mine is to manifest passing my finals. It may sound silly but the sounds in the video calm me down and I become more positive instead of negative and overthinking every detail. I am the queen of overthinking which is a terrible habit. Working out helps me a lot, running while listening to music always helps me to relax. Telling myself that I am not the only one going through this is also very helpful, were all going through it. Unfortunately I do not have the calm and peaceful attitude that most people have. I don’t just think positively all the time and wake up like Cinderella with birds singing and everything being peachy. I am a very stressed out person at school. Anyways enough about that. I am gonna go re read my study guide!
Ill be posting probably on Thursday once my finals are over because I do need to focus but wish me luck guys! I’m going to need it.