Tonight is a stressful night for me. Its the night before my birthday. I know a lot of you are gonna roll your eyes but I’m serious. Getting older is something that has always freaked me out. I am turning 23 years old. Seven years away from being thirty and you may laugh at this but I remember turning sixteen and now Im about to be 23. Time goes by so quick. I think when I was younger I assumed that by now I would have a lot more figured out than what I actually do.
I was having a conversation with one of my best friends who just got engaged last night. She is absolutely exhausted. She works two jobs, paying rent for an apartment with her fiancé, she doesn’t have a lot of time for herself. All these things really hit me hard. I remember us in high school, or sophomore year in college. We were careless. Just living life, not worried about the real world, having fun, no responsibilities and just like that here we are. The two girls who once had crazy ideas are now sitting on a couch exhausted and stressed out about life. Trying to figure out how to be adults but also trying to live like a 22 year old should.
I always told myself that I wanted more than an office job. I wanted more than to deal with my job, I wanted to love it. I wanted more than to just constantly work, get married and have kids without actually enjoying life. In Italy we have this saying “Il Dolce Far Niente,” the sweetness of doing nothing. I love that saying because sometimes doing nothing is just what someone needs. Enjoying the little things in life. Since coming to the United States I see how work driven people are. In fact many of them don’t take the time to enjoy the little things in life. They work, they save and that’s it. My friend looked at me and said “I don’t know how not to work,” how crazy is that? I guess I just always wanted more. I wanted adventure, memories, I wanted to see things and learn things. I wanted and still want to change the world, save lives. Obviously I can do those things now that I graduated but its scary. That first step is always scary. You get overwhelmed trying to figure out where to start. I come from a family that has sacrificed a lot for the younger generations (my cousins and I). I was the first to graduate college and I will be one of the first to take that first step into the world on my own. I also think the fact that its getting closer is freaking me out or that I really just don’t want to make a mistake.
Now that the holidays are over I will write more. I have so many things to say honestly but today I am going to go enjoy my birthday well in a few hours because its midnight right now.
Ahhhh finals that amazing time of the year where my stress level is so high it feels like I am about to have a panic attack every thirty seconds. This isn’t just any regular end of the semester for me, these are my last finals as an undergrad student. Basically if I don’t pass these finals I am screwed. Obviously everyone tries to reassure me. They say that everything is going to be fine and that’s sweet and all but they are not the ones going through it. I have twenty different assignments due on the same day and on top of that I have to study for exams. Exams that are scheduled on the same day! How twisted are these professors?!
This week is so much unnecessary stress. These professors wait to give out guides at the last minute not to mention assign homework….let me just throw myself out of a window while were at it, it might hurt less. If you’re like me you will start to think about everything that could go wrong, about backup plans like running away to Aruba and opening a surf shop. You think of everything that still has to be done and studied for and that is how stress increases. But the main thing for me is that I want this for myself and for my family. We waited so long for this, it cannot blow up in my face. I hate that feeling of disappointment. If finals weren’t bad enough they make you wait like five extra days for official grades to be posted.
Some tips I have if you are going through this; take a break or two. If you feel like your head is going to explode turn on something funny on TV and just take a minute to breathe. I always watch ‘Friends,” that show always has me laughing. Eat some chocolate, this might just be my thing honestly but chocolate always puts me in a better mood. Listen to some music, in my opinion music fixes everything (for a short period of time). I’m going to tell you guys something a little embarrassing but what’s been helping me a lot is listening to subliminal videos. Its a video with positive affirmations playing in the background mine is to manifest passing my finals. It may sound silly but the sounds in the video calm me down and I become more positive instead of negative and overthinking every detail. I am the queen of overthinking which is a terrible habit. Working out helps me a lot, running while listening to music always helps me to relax. Telling myself that I am not the only one going through this is also very helpful, were all going through it. Unfortunately I do not have the calm and peaceful attitude that most people have. I don’t just think positively all the time and wake up like Cinderella with birds singing and everything being peachy. I am a very stressed out person at school. Anyways enough about that. I am gonna go re read my study guide!
Ill be posting probably on Thursday once my finals are over because I do need to focus but wish me luck guys! I’m going to need it.
If you’re reading this you’re hurt or you have been hurt at some point. I have been hurt, I’ll admit it. I was hurt from all types of things but the main cause is and was love. Why should I let such a stupid thing like love hurt me? The answer is simple, I care too much.
Having a big heart means that you are prone to a whole world of hurt in a lot of things, especially love. You meet these people who come into your life and because you are you, you let them in. You slowly let them remove one layer at a time until you find yourself vulnerable. This person that you have trusted now has the power to completely destroy you if they wanted too. You give them that power because you still believe in something amazing. Unfortunately not everyone in this world has a big heart. Some are just there to suck the energy out of you until there is nothing left and they disappear. It took me a while to realize that there really are bad people in the world and that a lot of them are great at hiding it.
My heart has been bulldozed countless times by people who I didn’t even think could be capable of hurting me. But every time I would pick myself up, and try to trust again. You would think id be used to the pain by now, but nope. The one thing that amazes me is that no matter how hurt I have been in the past, I still let people in. I give them the benefit of the doubt. Ignoring all signs and listening to meaningless words with no actions to follow.
I’m slowly learning ….very slowly. I know some people will say that I have done it to myself but I cant help it. I believe that there are decent human beings out there. I just wanted to feel something. Something other than disappointment. I wanted to know that it was possible to feel at peace and happy with another person. I can be happy and at peace on my own, anyone can but with another person? That is the real challenge of this day and age. Relationships just aren’t what they used to be. When you care too much you almost forget how much you are doing for others. You forget until you realize that you have lost yourself trying to make someone a better version of themselves. You put so much time and effort into people, believing in them that you set yourself up to being hurt. You alter yourself trying to make another person happy because they have convinced you to do so. When in reality you shouldn’t have to change. The right person will accept you for you. The sad part is that most people start to think that its normal to settle and change. But it’s not and one day the wind is knocked out of you because when you least expect it that person you cared so much for is gone. You did everything and anything for them, you belittled yourself and put your pride aside for someone to take advantage of you and leave with a part of you.
Let me tell you this, we may care too much and maybe it is our fault but I would rather be the one hurting than being the person who caused pain on another. When you are left hurt and trying to pick yourself up, think of it as ruins. Ruins may look broken, hopeless and sad but they aren’t, they lead to beauty. Just look at Rome or Greece, people from all over the world come to see the ruins and they are breathtaking and beautiful. Just like us, something beautiful will come out of this, I have to believe that. Don’t ever let the vampires take your light away. They will always be cold souls but you? No way, your light will shine again, it may take time but it will.
We have all been through this at some point. When all our friends are in happy relationships and there you are the next Bridget Jones. Now being single is not a bad thing at ALL. This is actually the first time that I have been single in a while and it’s taking some getting used to. When you’re single you actually have nothing to worry about but it does get a little lonely, like when you go out with your friends who all have boyfriends. I met my friend Jenna Saturday night and she told me about this guy she met, Tom. She told me about how well he treats her and how happy she is so of course Im happy for her but part of me could not help but wonder why I never met decent guys. I know you guys probably think I’m being dramatic but ask my friends, I had some very controlling and toxic relationships. I have dated the nerdy guys, the muscular guys, what seemed like the nice guys and I always ended up hurt. I am not saying I’m losing hope but its hard to stay optimistic. Jenna went on to talk about how happy she is with Tom, how much she loves him meanwhile I was eating a whole pizza by myself and pounding back cocktails.
Later on, we decided that we wanted to go to Dave and Busters. I was having fun and at that point I was tipsy and killing it at skee ball. We decided to get more drinks so we sat at a table and that’s when it happened….more of my cuffed friends came along. Again there I was downing my cocktail like it was water while listening to how great their boyfriends were, how amazing it is to live with them, and all these future plans they had. I didn’t think it could really get much worse at that point…. until it did. As they were making plans to go on these triple dates, one of them actually looked at me and said ” Em, how is your love life going, anyone special?” I wish you guys saw my face at that very moment… I looked at her and said ” Nope, I was dumped over text by my boyfriend of one year and I was recently shut down by a guy who may or may not have the peter pan syndrome.” I don’t know why I love making things awkward by telling people way more information than they probably wanted to know. At that very moment I got the exact reaction that I was expecting, silence followed by the awkward “oh” response but don’t worry she went right back to talking about her relationship.
Usually when your friends are finally tired out of talking about their boyfriends they turn their attention on the single friend, in this scenario its me. This is the part where they try to set me up. Jenna had this one friend named Joe. Joe was a dad, who was bald, lived on a ranch and worked at the post office. Now I did not except a Brad Pitt or young Johnny Depp look alike but come on. I know I should lower my standards but I dated guys who were in shape, guys who weren’t in shape at all, those who went to college and those who did not go to college. Just once I would like someone that meets my standards, I don’t think I’m being selfish when I say this.
And that was my Saturday night, See you next post.
Welcome to my small corner of the internet!! I’ve been wanting to start a blog for a very long time. The more things started happening to me, the more I wanted to share my experiences with the world and write about them. Mainly so I wasn’t the only one laughing at my poorly scripted life. I cant complain too much about my life, I am pretty lucky with a lot of things but just like anyone else I have hard days some harder than others. This blog is going to have a lot of the experiences that I went through, are going through, and probably will go through. Ill give you guys advice and you can give me some of yours. Feel free share your stories with me whether it may be in the comments or through email. I am always happy to meet new people. There is no easy way to get through life. There are no magic spells or special instructions, trust me I looked but when you go through it with other people it just makes it easier and more fun. So here we go… Welcome to my virtual life ! See you guys on my first official post! Ciao!
Dream without fear. Love without limits.