Fate? Coincidence?

Fate or coincidence that is what I’m thinking about tonight.

I have come to terms with the fact that I have been single for almost a year now and that it’s totally fine. I shouldn’t force anything. Little fact about me I am not a big drinker or someone that goes out to bars and parties. I like to stay home, hangout with friends or watch movies. Yes I am a grandmother. This semester being my last semester as an undergrad I started meeting new people who did go out meaning I would go out with them. We went to a bar called WT’s, it was small and crowded for a Thursday. They told me about “Thirsty Thursday” guess that’s a thing in college. Like I said I don’t get out much! So we had just taken green tea shots when I hear my friend call my name to introduce me to someone whose in his class. There he was mister fate/coincidence. We can call this guy Kevin. Kevin was wearing a red flannel and I couldn’t stop staring at his smile, scratch that I couldn’t stop staring at his face. Not because he was hot or anything, I mean he was handsome but he just had this nice guy face. He sounded like an actual adult which never usually happens I mean you know how college guys are, or just most guys in general they’re not mature. This one was, he was asking me all these smart questions about myself and he just carried himself like a grown man. I never actually got his name and my friend didn’t know it either. They just knew each other from class.

Now here is what you guys don’t know, my friend actually has a crush on me and he’s my best guy friend and it’s an awkward situation I’ll write about it soon. So my best friend, before he told me about his feelings just didn’t really seem to want to help me figure out who this guy was. I honestly thought about making a post on Instagram to see if anyone knew him: “Wanted Guy in Red Flannel who was at WT’s Thursday Please Call Me.” Obviously I didn’t, I’m not desperate. I just assumed this happened to reassure me that it was going to be okay. That I would meet other people and AL was just another person to walk into and out of my life.

The days went on and on the last day of classes as I was walking to my car I stopped in the hall. I don’t know why I stopped but I did and as I turned around guess who was walking towards me…. my best guy friend and the guy from the bar!!!! My mouth dropped, I couldn’t even believe it and he recognized me!!! So he walked me to my car and as we were walking I got a message from my guy friend saying “you finally found your man.” I brushed it off because I still couldn’t believe it. We exchanged numbers and I found out that he doesn’t actually have any social media which I found to be amazing. He doesn’t like it, he told me he would rather have an actual conversation with someone and focus on life not things that aren’t real. Now I’m not saying it’s going to lead to anything. It might not and that’s totally fine. It was just so crazy how things worked out. What are the odds of that happening? I just know I’m not looking to rush into anything right now, I’m still healing. Either way life has ups and downs but one thing is for sure and it’s that life always finds ways to surprise us when we least expect it.

The feelings aren’t mutual

It’s really hard to write about love or any happy situation when you’re feeling the way I’m feeling. I wasn’t sure whether or not to talk about this with you guys but I said I would be honest so here it goes.

You guys know that I’ve been trying to get over Al. Well the truth is that my dumbass kept going to see him whenever he would text me. I knew that he said he wanted other people as well and I don’t understand what I was thinking going over there every time. I wish I just wanted to waste his time like he wasted mine but I can’t because of these feelings I have for him. I swear my feelings just keep on doing me wrong with every person I meet. When I’m with him I’m so happy but when I leave I feel absolutely broken, lost and empty. When I’m with him he says and does the right things maybe he’s manipulating me, maybe he means those things, I don’t know. He said I would be a great wife someday but to who? To You? Could you even see yourself with me or is this just some really long one night stand? He said what we have is perfect but what’s wrong with just me? That feeling of knowing you’re not good enough for someone or even just enough, I couldn’t even explain to you what that feels like. I do above and beyond for people who do not deserve it including him. He knows I do, he’s acknowledged it and says he loves it. Why? Because I’m like a wife without the title? So really it’s benefiting you but what about me and what I want? I’ve become one of those girls that believes that the more she proves herself to a man the more he’ll realize he wants her. But that’s all bullshit because those types of men do not care.

I actually woke up in his bed this morning, he pulled me closer to him. I was happy yet sad. I knew I had to go to work and once I would walk out that door I was unsure of when I’d see him again but he doesn’t see it that way or even thinks that way about me. He knows I’d run to him if he’d ask but would he run to me? I know I deserve better and letting him go is going to hurt me but staying is just hurting me more. I can’t keep seeing someone who doesn’t see me for me and for how much I have to offer. I can’t see a person who isn’t satisfied with just me. I can’t keep feeling sick wondering when I’ll be hearing from him again, losing sleep, my appetite and crying everywhere. Forcing myself not to check Instagram and listening to the drunk you say things that sober you wouldn’t. I know that there are plenty of men out there but for some reason I wanted him or the idea of him. I found myself praying, praying to the universe and to my grandma which is a concept that is foreign to me. As I’m writing this what’s left of my tears are rolling down my cheeks. I’ve been crying for days. I just cried in the bathroom ten minutes ago. It was like a scene from a sad movie that you hope has a happy ending. It’s on me I know it is but I’m in too deep. Just once I would like to meet a person who won’t hurt me whenever I let my guard down. I’m not asking for a movie relationship, just a happy one.

To The Ones Who Care

If you’re reading this you are hurt or you have been hurt at some point. You see I have been hurt and I am still hurting. I hurt from all types of things but the main cause of my pain was and is love. Why should I let such a silly thing like love hurt me? The answer is simple, I care too much.

Having a big heart means that you are prone to a whole world of hurt in a lot of things, especially love. You meet these people who enter your life and because you are you, you let them in. You slowly let them remove one layer at a time until you are left naked. Naked and vulnerable, this person that you have trusted with your all now has the power to completely destroy you if they wanted too. You give them that power because you still believe in something amazing. Unfortunately not everyone in this world has a big heart, some are just there to suck the energy out of you until there is nothing left but an empty shell and that is when they disappear.

My heart has been shattered countless times by people who I didn’t even think could be capable of hurting me. Every time I would pick myself up and I tried trusting again only to find myself on the bathroom floor crying, begging myself to be strong and close myself off. You would think id be used to the pain by now, but each time hurts more and more. The one thing that amazes me is that no matter how hurt I have been, I would always let people in. I would give them the benefit of the doubt. Ignoring all signs and listening to meaningless words with no actions to follow, I was a fool and I still am a fool, but I am learning. I know some will say that I have done it to myself but I cant help it. I believe that there are decent human beings out there. I just wanted to feel something. Something other than pain from being let down countless times. To feel something other than the pain from all the lies, the secrets, the cheating, the diminishing, the abuse, the pain of believing that feelings were mutual.  I wanted to know that it was possible to feel at peace and happy with another person. I can be happy and at peace on my own, anyone can but with another person? That is the real challenge of this day and age.

When you care too much you almost forget how much you are doing for others until you realize that you have lost yourself trying to make someone a better version of themselves. You put so much time and effort into people, believing in them and that they can change that you set yourself up for disappointment and hurt. You alter yourself trying to make another person happy because they have convinced you to do so. You start to think that its normal to settle and change and one day the wind is knocked out of you because that person you cared so much for is gone. You did everything and anything for them, you belittled yourself and put your pride aside for some person to take advantage of you and leave with a part of you. There you are, the caring one trying to pick up the pieces of yourself that were left scattered.

Let me tell you this, we may care too much and maybe it is our fault but I would rather be the one hurting than being the person who caused this pain on another. When you are left hurt and trying to pick yourself up, think of it as ruins. Ruins may look broken, hopeless and sad but they aren’t, they lead to beauty. Just look at Rome or Greece, people from all over the world come to see their ruins and they are breathtaking and beautiful. Just like us, something beautiful will come out of this, I have to believe that. Don’t ever let the vampires take your light away. They will always be cold souls but you? No way, your light will shine again, it may take time but it will.

The Bootycall

51039497-68E1-4386-BF17-0C51B44E26A4.jpegCiao Belli! Tonight’s post is one that we are all familiar with, the bootycall. Now this usually happens after midnight. When you get that text that says “hey” or “sup” “you up”or “what’s up” really anything of that sort, you know it’s a bootycall. Now if you’re anything like me you over analyze everything. You screenshot the messages and send it to your close group of friends and they all say the same thing: “he’s just horny, he’s an asshole, don’t answer.” Let’s face it those with self respect will ignore the message but most of us and I am one of those people will ignore all gut feelings and go right ahead and answer. If your situation was like mine than you have layed in bed  waiting and wondering where they were, if they were going to text you, who they were with and you would just wait for your phone to light up and see their name “Rico No Suave” (that was his name in my phone aka Al). It gets to be 1 a.m and you’re slowly falling asleep when BAM. The message comes through and this is where you pretend like you weren’t just half asleep. At that moment you put on sweats and run right  into their trap.

Listen ladies I know that being a bootycall is not a good feeling  especially if you like the guy. I have been the dummy to lose sleep when I had to work the next day just because I wanted to spend time with him. Would he do that for me? No. I was a dumbass, what can I say. When he is texting you at Booty O’clock it’s for one reason and one reason only, he is horny. The girl he was trying to bring home from the bar or wherever he was turned him down.  You were most likely not his first choice, you were just the one to answer basically an option. He is comfortable with you, he knows you will go over there.

Once I got there and he had gotten what he wanted, we would talk for hours until 4 a.m about everything. I used to think that it meant something but it really didn’t. It was just another way of keeping me hooked. That’s what you think about though well I used to at least when I waited for his text. I was thinking about having late night conversations with him and how great they were going to be and that maybe just maybe he would start to feel something for me. This is where I went wrong and where many other girls go wrong. Remember this, not even the most magical vagina out there can turn a douchebag into Prince Charming.

I remember waking up the next day sick to my stomach,  wondering when I was going to see him or hear from him again. When I’d leave he’d say “later” which again I would over analyze. Was he actually going to text me later? Was I going to see him? It was a toxic cycle of me waiting around wondering when I’d hear from him again. I’d go into work exhausted, my anxiety through the roof and constantly trying to fight the urge to see if he had been online. The texts from him eventually weren’t as frequent, he had probably found other girls and I learned to let him go. The minute I stopped worrying, I felt happier. I guess that’s how we learn and grow. The more we answer and go see them, the shittier we feel the next day and one day we just say enough.

The point of this blog is just to remind you that you are all special. You’re all unique and beautiful in your own way and just because one person couldn’t see it doesn’t mean someone else won’t. There are so many great people out there. People who will text you during the day and ask you how you are doing, they will want to see you and go do things with you. They will make you feel like a priority. Don’t lose sleep over a guy that sends you messages just to have sex and makes you an option. Don’t make yourself sick over him or lay in bed wondering why you’re not good enough. It’s not you. You can do whatever you want at the end of the day but just know that you are worth more than a 2 a.m hookup text message.

That One Single Friend

We have all been through this at some point. When all our friends are in happy relationships and there you are the next Bridget Jones. Now being single is not a bad thing at ALL. This is actually the first time that I have been single in a long time and it’s taking some getting used to. When you are single you actually have nothing to worry about at all but it does sometimes get a little lonely, like when you go out with your friends who all have boyfriends. I met my good friend Lisa for dinner on Saturday night. She met this great guy, Todd who treats her so well and makes her so happy and of course I am happy for her but part of me could not help but wonder why I never met decent guys. I know you guys probably think I’m being dramatic but ask my friends, I have had some very controlling and toxic relationships. I have dated the nerdy guys, the muscular guys, what seemed like the nice guys and I always ended up hurt. I am not saying I’m losing hope but its hard to stay optimistic. So there I was listening to Lisa talk about how happy she is with Todd, and how much she loves him while I was eating a whole pizza by myself and pounding back cocktails.

An hour later we decided that we wanted to go to Dave and Busters. There is nothing I love more than arcade games. I was having some fun, feeling tipsy and killing it at skee ball until we decide to go get more drinks. Lisa and I were sitting at a table, I’m drinking another cocktail until it happened….more of my boo’d up friends came along. Don’t get me wrong I love these girls but I had just been told by Al (read the previous post if you don’t know that story yet) that he didn’t want anything serious after a month, I was not having it being around these people in love. So again there I was downing my cocktail like it was water while listening to how great their boyfriends were, how amazing it is to live with them, and all these future plans they had. I didn’t think it could really get much worse at that point until it did. As they were making plans to go on these triple dates, one of them actually looked at me and said ” Em, how is your love life going, anyone special?” I wish you guys saw my face at that very moment, it was a mix of the joker and Lord Farquaad, I looked at her and said ” Nope, I was dumped over text by my boyfriend of one year and I was recently shut down by a guy who may or may not have the peter pan syndrome.” I don’t know why I love making things awkward by telling people way more information than they probably wanted to know. At that very moment I got the exact reaction that I was expecting, silence followed by the awkward “oh” response but don’t worry she went right back to talking about her perfect boyfriend.

When your friends are finally tired out of talking about their boyfriends they turn their attention on the single friend AKA me. This is the part where they try to set me up. Lisa had this one friend named Joe. Joe was a dad, who was bald, lived on a ranch and worked at the post office. Now I did not except a Brad Pitt or young Johnny Depp look alike but come on. I know I should lower my standards but I dated guys who were in shape, guys who weren’t in shape at all, those who did go to college and did not go to college. Just once I would like someone that meets my standards, I don’t think I’m being selfish when I say this.

That was my Saturday night, have you ever been in a situation similar to mine? Let me know down in the comments or email me! See you next post.

Welcome to My Life

Welcome to my small corner of the internet!! I have wanted to start a blog for a very long time. The more things started happening to me, the more I wanted to share my experiences with the world and write about them. Mainly so I wasn’t the only one laughing at my poorly scripted life. Just kidding!! I cant complain too much about my life, I am lucky with a lot of things but just like anyone else I have hard days some harder than others and I go through hard things. This blog is going to have a lot of the experiences that I went through, are going through, and probably will go through. I will have some advice for you guys, or you could have some for me and you guys can always share your stories with me whether it may be in the comments or through email.  I am always happy to meet new people. There is no easy way to get through life. There are no magic spells or special instructions, trust me I looked but when you go through it with other people it just makes it easier and more fun. So what do you say?! Ready to be part of the family!? Are you ready to cry, laugh, get mad, get glad and feel every other emotions out there together?! I know I am! See you guys on my first official post!                Ciao Belli!

Dream without fear. Love without limits.