To J

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this but do you think I could tell you something without it upsetting you?
I miss you.
It’s almost been a year since you left and I still find myself missing you when I run out of things to distract myself with. When we first met I fell head over heels for you. The way you looked at me, I can’t ever forget that. It was all new and exciting. We had the whole world and endless possibilities. I thought we could handle anything. That nothing could break us but somewhere along the way something did. I guess even the most beautiful things fall apart. If you’re lucky, those rare beautiful things can be fixed but we weren’t so lucky. It takes more than one person to rebuild, you walked away. You left me with the bittersweet flashbacks of our relationship. That’s the thing about grief. It hits us at the most random times. Like a drive past our favorite spot, a song on the radio, a movie or a restaurant. It all causes a flood of memories. Even the simplest of things like going to get ice cream from the store will set off memories with you. As unbearable as the pain is, I don’t regret you because you made me so happy. I needed you in my life to help me grow up. As much as I wanted to hold on to you and keep everything the same, I couldn’t. I don’t blame you for leaving if it’s what you needed. Sometimes I wish we could have one more of everything. One more meaningful conversation on your bed, one more kiss, and one more car ride, one more time of lying in your arms, one more trip to the grocery store together. But it would never be enough. Those one more’s will never add up to a lifetime. That’s all I ever wanted, a lifetime of us. I wish I never had to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real. There are no more one more’s. The idea that these one more’s will get something out of my system to make me feel better isn’t real. Certain things are just meant to be left in the past. The more you try and relive them or fix them, the more damage you cause to yourself. I guess this is the part where I chose myself now. I am so sad but grateful that I felt this kind of love for you. Maybe that’s why I’m still hurting, because it was real and that doesn’t just go away. As much as I would love to find closure, I don’t think I ever will. There are so many things I wish that I could say to you, but I know you won’t listen. Instead here is a letter you might never see, 521 words. Maybe this isn’t our journey anymore or maybe one day our paths will cross again. If they don’t I will always remember just how beautiful it all was, us, because we were magic, forever.

Simply You

We are given one life and one life only. It is our job to live it to the fullest and exactly the way we want it. But that can be hard to do sometimes. I have my small insecurities and in fact I’m sure that I’m not the only one. Sometimes those insecurities get the best of you. They have a way of making you overthink. For me, showing the world who I am hasn’t always been easy. I always makeup scenarios in my mind about all the things that could go wrong. I was just scared of letting this part of me out into the world and having it be judged because lets face it, people will judge everything and anything. It takes time to master the whole not caring about what people say/ think attitude. Sometimes you’ll listen to a song that will hype you up or your friends give you a confidence boost but that doesn’t last forever, it lasts a moment. The moment passes when the smallest thing to happen has you second guessing yourself. I mean honestly how many times have we heard people say “just be yourself?” Hundreds of times but its a lot easier said than done.

I miss being a kid. Growing up you never had to worry about anything.  You could wear whatever you wanted, like a princess dress or have your belly hanging out of your shirt without being body shamed and everything you did would be totally fine. You could say, act, do whatever and it was accepted. As adults society created expectations so we force ourselves to fit this mold.

My social media is one part of me. I don’t mean the “fake” part of me. I mean the part of me that I’m comfortable sharing. I post about the clothes I wear, my friends, family, the hikes I go on, my fitness journey, places that I traveled to and so on. So what is it that I don’t show the world? My writing for one, I love writing. Writing has always been how I express myself. My nonna got me started. When I moved to the United States we would always write letters to each other even if we talked on the phone everyday. Letters are more personal and more people should do it. This blog is also something I’ve kept to myself even though I have been considering making it public. I like to read poetry, books, I love looking at art. You can’t ever be wrong with art. You just makeup a story as to what you think the painting means and there would be no right or wrong answer. I love taking drives even two hours out just to go see a sunset or drive even further out if it means I get to see the stars. Things most people would find boring. There’s a lot more to it but I won’t make this a long post. Being yourself is the only thing that you should be in this world because it’s you. At the end of the day we only have one life and tomorrow is never promised.

To The Ones Who Care

If you’re reading this you’re hurt or you have been hurt at some point. I have been hurt, I’ll admit it. I was hurt from all types of things but the main cause is and was love. Why should I let such a stupid thing like love hurt me? The answer is simple, I care too much.

Having a big heart means that you are prone to a whole world of hurt in a lot of things, especially love. You meet these people who come into your life and because you are you, you let them in. You slowly let them remove one layer at a time until you find yourself vulnerable. This person that you have trusted now has the power to completely destroy you if they wanted too. You give them that power because you still believe in something amazing. Unfortunately not everyone in this world has a big heart. Some are just there to suck the energy out of you until there is nothing left and they disappear. It took me a while to realize that there really are bad people in the world and that a lot of them are great at hiding it.

My heart has been bulldozed countless times by people who I didn’t even think could be capable of hurting me. But every time I would pick myself up, and try to trust again. You would think id be used to the pain by now, but nope. The one thing that amazes me is that no matter how hurt I have been in the past, I still let people in. I give them the benefit of the doubt. Ignoring all signs and listening to meaningless words with no actions to follow.

I’m slowly learning ….very slowly.  I know some people will say that I have done it to myself but I cant help it. I believe that there are decent human beings out there. I just wanted to feel something. Something other than disappointment. I wanted to know that it was possible to feel at peace and happy with another person. I can be happy and at peace on my own, anyone can but with another person? That is the real challenge of this day and age. Relationships just aren’t what they used to be. When you care too much you almost forget how much you are doing for others. You forget until you realize that you have lost yourself trying to make someone a better version of themselves. You put so much time and effort into people, believing in them that you set yourself up to being hurt. You alter yourself trying to make another person happy because they have convinced you to do so. When in reality you shouldn’t have to change. The right person will accept you for you. The sad part is that most people start to think that its normal to settle and change. But it’s not and one day the wind is knocked out of you because when you least expect it that person you cared so much for is gone. You did everything and anything for them, you belittled yourself and put your pride aside for someone to take advantage of you and leave with a part of you.

Let me tell you this, we may care too much and maybe it is our fault but I would rather be the one hurting than being the person who caused pain on another. When you are left hurt and trying to pick yourself up, think of it as ruins. Ruins may look broken, hopeless and sad but they aren’t, they lead to beauty. Just look at Rome or Greece, people from all over the world come to see the ruins and they are breathtaking and beautiful. Just like us, something beautiful will come out of this, I have to believe that. Don’t ever let the vampires take your light away. They will always be cold souls but you? No way, your light will shine again, it may take time but it will.