Settling?

Do you ever feel like sometimes your heart is settling? Think about it. Deep down you know you deserve better but you still stay. Maybe because out of all the bad days they show you one good one and you think they might be coming around. But they don’t and you’re right back to being hurt. You know that they aren’t worth it but you still give it everything. The whole situation is exhausting and you end up hating yourself for it. So why is it so hard to pull away? Is it because we want something so badly that were willing to hurt ourselves over it? Because in all honesty we might be happier letting go of this person that isn’t doing much for us. Maybe it’s the fear of starting over. Maybe we don’t want them to find someone better even though let’s be real there is no one better than US. It’s so easy for those people to put you second but here you are always putting them first.  One second you’re angry and crying telling yourself you wont answer and the next you’re getting in your car picking up food for them in freezing cold weather. It’s completely ridiculous and we know it but we do it anyways.

I am not an expert on “love.” I’m not even really sure I have ever felt it but I think I know what it’s supposed to feel and look like. It’s not always easy but it’s persistent and on going. A lot of us seem to forget that key word, love. We meet people and some of us mistake red flags for butterflies. We stay in situations that end up hurting us and sometimes we don’t even realize it until were completely drained. It’s crazy isn’t it? How easy our happiness can be killed but how hard it is to kill our sadness. I always hear people say that happiness is a choice and that very well could be but you also cant help the way you feel or how long you feel it for. That doesn’t mean that you give it power over you but that you’re human. Pain demands to be felt.

I couldn’t tell you why we have this settling behavior. Some might say low self esteem, low self respect or daddy issues. All of which could have something to do with it but maybe not. Maybe we just get to a point where we want to find that person that brings us peace. I don’t think anyone really has the answer honestly. What I do know is once a person has really had enough they finally let go. Sometimes walking away might be just as hard as staying but at least when a person walks away the pain is temporary and you really do come out stronger. If you are lucky enough to meet someone that is genuine, let them know how much they mean to you. I actually learned that when someone means something to you there is a part of you that becomes terrified of losing them. That emotion makes you completely shut down but you have to let them know what they mean to you. Even if it leads to pain because remember that you’re human and alive. Pain is just a part of it.

Surviving a Breakup: Week 1

Breakup’s are the worst. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship lasted, you just lost someone that was important to you and that my friends is unbearable to say the least.
Part I: The Background
Let me take you back to six months ago. I had rekindled a friendship with someone I had met in high school. I decided to reach out to him on social media and we started talking again. The talking continued everyday. After a while he became a part of my daily routine and seeing his name pop up on my screen became the highlight of all my days. I was crazy about him. He was everything I was looking for in a guy. His personality matched mine, he was smart, simple, fun, sweet, different and old fashioned. I will spare you some of the details but we really did take our time before making it official. I guess he hadn’t dated anyone in years so this whole dating thing was practically new to him. After a month of dating things started to change. His behavior, the way he talked to me and acted. He was cold, angry and sad. It was like the person I had fallen for was gone. The person standing in front of me was not the same guy that I had been talking to for months. I tried everything, gave him space, got him his favorite things, motivated him but it never seemed to be enough. I thought it was a phase….and if this happens to you just know ITS NOT A PHASE. Fast forward to a week before he was supposed to come over and meet my parents. I had bought him two new shirts and cleaned the whole place, everyone was excited to meet him. I talked him up so much!! I hadn’t been this excited about a person in a long time. Before you say maybe he got scared, he did not because he was the one to say that he wanted to meet them.

Part II: The End is Near
You know that gut feeling you get when you know it’s going to end but you try to ignore it and try to fix it but only end up making it worse and the truth comes out? I could feel his texts hinting towards something bad. Although instead of saying “we need to talk,” the guy said, “It’s time we talk about us and why I have such a hard time opening up.” I guess at that moment I felt some relief thinking he was finally going to open up to me (BECAUSE THATS ALL WE EVER WANT FROM YOU MEN TO OPEN UP DAMNIT) but no. That day I was going in for surgery and when I came out still under medication, he tells me he has to call me instead of just coming and seeing me. He calls and with the most emotionless tone of voice you could possibly have ends our relationship. I was trying to make sense of it all since again just had surgery and I really did not think he would actually end it. At that moment I did what most girls in my position would have done. I cried, I begged, I lost my self respect over a guy that seriously could careless about me. I won’t go out and say the reason for the breakup, it’s not my place but it made sense as to why he had a sudden change of behavior. I again made yet another smart decision to text him 30 times and get zero reply. Although I did text him after a few days that I missed him and hoped he would get better to which he replied “thank you.” THANK YOU?! You just ripped my heart out and lied to me for months and that’s all I get?! I don’t know why I expected anything more honestly.

Part III: The Aftermath
It has now been a week since the breakup and I think I may have cried myself dry. When he took down our relationship status on Facebook as dumb as it sounds, it really killed me. You always think that they need time to cool off and they will come back but no. For some reason when you’re going through a breakup social media is either super depressing or super relatable. The first stage of a breakup is depressing, it’s a lot of crying alone, to your friends and family. You hear the same things over and over again: “He’s an asshole,” “he doesn’t deserve you,” “don’t waste your tears on him,” “he will get his Karma,” “you’ll meet someone better.” I mean all true statements but who wants to hear that about a guy they wanted a future with? No one that’s who. The first few days are hard, you cry yourself to sleep maybe dream about them and wake up having to remind yourself that it’s over and there won’t be anymore good morning texts. You keep talking to your friends about it and some are brutally honest which makes you not like what they have to say even though its true and the other group of friends try to spare your feelings. Both equally appreciated. You also have to remove them from social media because seeing them follow someone new or post something new is going to crush you. Also I learned this the hard way but do not ask mutual friends about how they are doing like I did. The response I got back was “he acted like nothing was wrong.” NOTHING WRONG?! Heartless monster was my first thought because while he was out living it up with the boys I was in bed ugly crying, wearing oversized clothes, missing him. Obviously being angry never lasts long for me. I was back to reminiscing on the “good times” thinking of things I could have done differently to keep him around and crying over everything I would no longer have or get to have with him. There’s a hole in your heart and you have to learn to live with it for a while. If you’re anything like me when we date we give 100%. We want to make them feel special and appreciated and sometimes we literally get zero in return. We also get annoyed that we have yet again wasted perfectly good energy and have to start all over.

I am currently at the part where I am starting to see the red flags I ignored. I am slowly coming to terms with things changing and not being able to see him or that sweet dog of his. I won’t lie as much as he hurt me I miss him, I genuinely miss that insensitive person. Maybe it’s because I did genuinely think he was amazing, I saw something in him that he didn’t see, maybe it was the way he made me feel at times, or the plans we had for our future. You know, I have to really remind myself to this day that words really are just words. Sometimes I look at my phone and remember that I cant text him anymore and that sucks. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me at all or feels bad but that’s not healthy. This is one of those moments where you have to let go. Let go and remind yourself that it was not your fault and that you really are a bad ass human being. Someone that needs time but eventually will be just fine.

Changes

If you guys don’t know it yet, I am not a fan of change. In fact, I am terrified of it, mainly because I don’t know what to expect. Change means not being in control and letting things fall into place. Planning has always been my thing even though plans never work.

Change happens every day whether we like it or not. We experience it in every form. I think the biggest way to see change in people’s lives now a days is through their Instagram feed. The way people’s posts change over the years. Whether its a new relationship, a pregnancy, new friends, a new style, a new career or destination. All these events that we  share with each other,  they all show the changes in our lives. For me, change at this very moment is the person that I am comparing to the person that I was. The end of this chapter in my life means leaving the old me in the past. The me that was dependent on people for happiness, the one that would put herself second to others, the girl who would constantly compare herself, and doubted herself. I guess one day I just woke up and decided that I loved myself just the way I was and that I respected myself enough to know when to walk away from something.

I realized that this perfect romance that I was chasing did not exist YET. Because in order for me to grow old with someone, I have to grow up first. I need to go out and experience life, live out my dreams for ME so that I wont ever have regrets. We live in a weird time to fall in love, things are most definitely not as simple as they used to be. People don’t commit as much, there’s a thing called friends with benefits, people’s feelings change over night, and when things get hard, people walk away. So why fall for someone right now? It took me a while but I finally figured out that I did not have whatever power I needed to turn a boy into a man. It was never my job. You can’t make someone something that they’re not. I grew up believing in fairytales. Ever since we were little most of us have been told that we are princesses waiting for this prince to come and rescue us but in reality we are so much more. We could easily be the fairy godmother to a friend who needs our help. We can be the genie in the lamp when were trying to meet everyone’s expectations all at once but most importantly, we can be Prince Charming because a princess who can respect herself, can rescue herself.

I am weeks away from the biggest change that I have ever had to go through. I am basically leaving what has been familiar to me for years for something new. I just need to push myself. So here I am, leaving my old job, people that became important to me, and seeing how far I can really go. You guys get to come along with me, every step of the way.

 

Grown-ish

Tonight is a stressful night for me. Its the night before my birthday. I know a lot of you are gonna roll your eyes but I’m serious. Getting older is something that has always freaked me out. I am turning 23 years old. Seven years away from being thirty and you may laugh at this but I remember turning 16 and now Im about to be 23. Time goes by way too fast. I think when I was younger I assumed that by now I would have a lot more figured out than what I actually do.

I was talking with one of my friends who just got engaged. She is exhausted. She works two jobs, pays rent for an apartment with her fiancĂ©, just bought a cat and she doesn’t have a lot of time for herself anymore. I guess this is considered “adulting.” I remember us in high school, or sophomore year in college. We were careless. Just living life, not worried about the real world, having fun, no responsibilities and just like that here we are. The two girls who once had extraordinary ideas sitting on a couch exhausted and stressed out about their ordinary lives. Both trying to figure out how to be adults but also trying to live like 22 years olds should.

I always told myself that I wanted more than an office job. I wanted more than to deal with my job, I wanted to love it. I wanted more than to just constantly work, get married and have kids without actually enjoying life. In Italy we have this saying “Il Dolce Far Niente,” the sweetness of doing nothing. I love that saying because sometimes doing nothing is just what someone needs. Enjoying the little things in life. Since coming to the United States I see how work driven people are. In fact many of them don’t take the time to enjoy the little things. They work, they save and that’s it. My friend actually said “I don’t know how not to work,” I guess I just always wanted more. I wanted adventure, to feel something exciting, I wanted to see things and learn things. I wanted and still want to change the world, and save lives. Obviously I can do those things now that I graduated but its scary. That first step is always scary. You get overwhelmed trying to figure out where to start. I come from a family that has sacrificed a lot for the younger generations (my cousins and I). I was the first to graduate college and I will be one of the first to take that first step into the world on my own.

Now that the holidays are over I will write more. I have so many things to say honestly but today I am going to go enjoy my birthday !!! Well in a few hours because its midnight right now.

To The Ones Who Care

If you’re reading this you’re hurt or you have been hurt at some point. I have been hurt, I’ll admit it. I was hurt from all types of things but the main cause of it was putting my trust in the wrong people. Why should that hurt me? The answer is simple, I care too much.

Having a big heart means that you are prone to a whole world of hurt in a lot of things, especially love. You meet these people who come into your life and because you are you, you let them in. You slowly let them remove one layer at a time until you find yourself vulnerable. This person that you have trusted now has the power to completely destroy you if they wanted too. You give them that power because you still believe in change and good. Unfortunately not everyone in this world has a big heart. Some are just there to suck the energy out of you until there is nothing left and they disappear. It took me a while to realize that there really are bad people in the world and that a lot of them are great at hiding it.

My heart has been bulldozed countless times by people who I didn’t even think could be capable of hurting me. But every time I would pick myself up, and try to trust again. You would think id be used to the pain by now, but nope. The one thing that amazes me is that no matter how hurt I have been in the past, I still let people in. I give them the benefit of the doubt. Ignoring all signs and listening to meaningless words with no actions to follow.

I’m slowly learning ….very slowly.  I know some people will say that I have done it to myself but I cant help it. I really believe genuine love is out there. I just wanted to feel something. Something other than disappointment. I wanted to know that it was possible to feel at peace and happy with another person. I can be happy and at peace on my own, anyone can but with another person? That is the real challenge of this day and age. Relationships just aren’t what they used to be. When you care too much you almost forget how much you are doing for others. You forget until you realize that you have lost yourself trying to make someone a better version of themselves. You put so much time and effort into people, believing in them that you set yourself up to being hurt. You alter yourself trying to make another person happy because they have convinced you to do so. In reality you shouldn’t have to change. The right person will accept you for you. The sad part is that most people start to think that its normal to settle and change. But it’s not and one day the wind is knocked out of you because when you least expect it that person you cared so much for is gone. You did everything and anything for them, you belittled yourself and put your pride aside for someone to take advantage of you and leave with a part of you.

Let me tell you this, we may care too much and maybe it is our fault but I would rather be the one hurting than being the person who caused pain on another. When you are left hurt and trying to pick yourself up, think of it as ruins. Ruins may look broken, hopeless and sad but they aren’t, they lead to beauty. Just look at Rome or Greece, people from all over the world come to see the ruins and they are breathtaking and beautiful. Just like us, something beautiful will come out of this, I have to believe that. Don’t ever let the vampires take your light away. They will always be cold souls but you? No way, your light will shine again, it may take time but it will.