Too Young To Date

I started dating when I was 15 years old. At 15,  I felt like a grown up even though I wasn’t at all. So last night I started thinking, what if the problem is that we start dating too soon? I mean by the time were 23 most of us will have dated a decent number of people and the chances are most of us were hurt by a lot of them. A lot of the guys that we dated were just dumb and immature, they had no idea what to look for in a girl. They had no idea that they were letting go of an amazing person and they wont until later down the road. The guys we dated were most likely infatuated with looks and the idea of having a girlfriend but the work wasn’t put in.  This takes a tole on a lot of us because we get so fed up with dating and were still so young. Most guys are not mature at all until they are in their 30’s. Maybe late 20’s but the guys I know and have met are not even close to being mature. They still think about partying, getting drunk on the weekends and sleeping around.

It just changes your perspective on meeting someone and you start to believe that it wont happen for you, that this is as good as its going to get. Well it’s not. I really believe that there are decent MEN out there and for men there are decent WOMEN. You just have to find each other and be patient. Obviously dating people is not a bad thing because it’s how you figure out what you like and want but maybe not starting so young. I swear 15 year old’s now a days don’t even know what being a kid means. Everyone is so eager to grow up and talk to boys.

Love is supposed to be this amazing thing. I have read about it, I have seen it but I have never actually felt it ( being at peace, happy, nothing toxic, no walking away when it gets hard). I read so many comments from girls who were replaced, lied to, cheated on, hurt, manipulated. The list is endless. Girls begging for answers, trying to understand, waiting around, going back and blaming themselves. It breaks your heart, it definitely breaks mine. I have been through it. I understand that pain. I was strong enough to walk away, mainly because to me staying felt more impossible than leaving.  I just don’t want any of you guys to settle, ever. Do not settle for anyone who is willing to stay. Do not settle, do not chase them, do not wait around. Love yourself unconditionally and just know that when its meant to happen, it will.

Changes: Goodbye to the old Em

If you guys don’t know it yet, I am not a fan of change. I am terrified of it, mainly because I don’t know what to expect. Change means not being in control and letting things fall into place. Planning has always been my thing, I like to know ahead of time or I panic. So  what changes am I talking about? I am talking about a new chapter. One that no longer involves school since I graduated.

Change happens every day whether we like it or not. We experience it in every form. I think the biggest way to see change in people’s lives now a days is through their Instagram feed. The way people’s posts change over the years. Whether its a new relationship, a pregnancy, new friends, a new style, a new career or destination. All these events that we  share with each other,  they all show the changes in our lives. For me, change at this very moment is the person that I am comparing to the person that I was. The end of this chapter in my life means leaving the old me in the past. The me that was dependent on men for happiness, the one that would put herself second to others, the girl who would constantly compare herself, who doubted herself and lived in fear. I guess one day I just woke up and decided that I loved myself just the way that I was and that I respected myself enough to know when to walk away from something.

I realized that this perfect romance that I was chasing did not exist YET. Because in order for me to grow old with someone, I have to grow up first. I need to go out and experience life, live out my dreams for ME so that I wont ever have regrets. We live in a weird time to fall in love, things are most definitely not as simple as they used to be. People don’t commit as much, there’s a thing called friends with benefits, people’s feelings change over night, and when things get hard, people walk away. So why fall for someone right now? I cant handle any more of these boys masquerading as men that I have let into my heart and body only to find out that I did not have whatever power I needed to turn a beast into a prince. I grew up believing in fairytales. From a young age we are taught that we are princesses waiting for this prince to come and rescue us but in reality we are so much more. We could easily be the fairy godmother to a friend who needs help. We can be the genie in the lamp when were trying to meet everyone’s expectations all at once but most importantly, we can be Prince Charming because a princess who can respect herself, can rescue herself.

I am weeks away from the biggest change that I have ever had to go through. I am traveling back to Europe to see my family, starting a career somewhere and traveling to new places. I am basically leaving what has been familiar to me for years for something new.  Traveling alone is scary but I am also not getting any younger. I need to push myself to do the things that have terrified me, even if it means not knowing what to expect. So here I am, leaving my old job, my friends, people that became important to me, Panera bread, my gym, my house, my first car, all for a new and exciting fresh start. I am saying goodbye to the old Em and hello to the new one. You guys get to come along with me. Every step of the way.

 

Grown-ish

Tonight is a stressful night for me. Its the night before my birthday. I know a lot of you are gonna roll your eyes but I’m serious. Getting older is something that has always freaked me out. I am turning 23 years old. Seven years away from being thirty and you may laugh at this but I remember turning sixteen and now I am about to be 23. Time goes by so quick. I think when I was younger I assumed that by now I would have a lot more figured out than what I actually do.

I was having a conversation with one of my best friends who just got engaged last night. She is absolutely exhausted. She is working two jobs, paying rent for an apartment with her fiancé, they just got a cat, she hasn’t been working out and has been stress eating which caused her to gain weight. All these things really hit me hard. I remember us in high school, or sophomore year in college. We were careless. Just living life, not worried about the real world, having fun, no responsibilities and just like that here we are. The two girls who once had crazy ideas are now sitting on a couch exhausted and stressed out about life. Trying to figure out how to be adults but also trying to live like a 22 year old should.

I always told myself that I wanted more than an office job. I wanted more than to deal with my job, I wanted to love it. I wanted more than to just constantly work, get married and have kids without actually enjoying life. In Italy we have this saying “Il Dolce Far Niente,” the sweetness of doing nothing. I love that saying because sometimes doing nothing is just what someone needs. Since coming to the United States I see how work driven people are. In fact many of them don’t take the time to enjoy the little things in life. They work, they save and that’s it. My friend looked at me and said “I don’t know how not to work,” how crazy is that? I guess I just always wanted more for myself. I wanted adventure, memories, I wanted to see things and learn things. I wanted and still want to change the world, save lives. Obviously I can do those things now that I graduated but its scary. That first step is always scary. You get overwhelmed trying to figure out where to start. I come from a family that has sacrificed a lot for the younger generations (my cousins and I). I was the first to graduate college and I will be one of the first to take that first step into the world on my own. I also think the fact that its getting closer is freaking me out or that I really just don’t want to make a mistake.

Now that the holidays are over I will write more. I have so many things to say honestly but today I am going to go enjoy my birthday well in a few hours because its midnight right now.

The Manipulator

Don’t you just love meeting one of these creatures? The manipulators, a breed that has only increased over the years. The only thing they are good at is fucking with your head and making you feel like absolute shit about yourself. Its not just me going through it with Al but my friends and sister too. They all have their own versions. Let me tell you guys some of the stories.

  1. My sister had met this guy named Steve. Now Steve has been stringing her along for seven months. They met at work, at first there was nothing really wrong with him. He was your average guy, so she thought. It started with making plans and him always cancelling them. When my sister had enough, he would sweet talk his way back in, making up some dumb excuse and making her feel bad. His argument was that he was too afraid to commit again because of his last relationship. Now seven months down the road I asked her what she was still doing holding on to this guy. My sister told me that he had finally said that he was ready to start dating her (how convenient). Right after he said that he did not talk to her for a week. A week goes by and I get a phone call from her. She was bawling her eyes out because Steve, the grown 40 years old man had posted a picture of him out on a date with another girl. She finally decided to block him, good for her because for the most of us that is hard to do.
  2. My best friend is the second story, now our friendship goes way back to high school. Her and I are the exact same person and seeing her and my sister go through this or anyone that I know or don’t know for that matter kills me. Hers is named Will. Will is a nurse that works at the same hospital as her. He was everything she was looking for (on paper). When they met it was amazing, she was so happy. He was a bit older than her but not by much. Just enough to have her thinking that he was mature (HA what a joke). He took her out to dinner to meet his friends, they would talk for hours, hangout and he even cooked her dinner at his place. After a few months she started developing feelings for this guy. Its like guys can sense when feelings become involved because right after that he told her he did not want anything serious. WHY are they never upfront with their intentions, seriously.  He had gotten out of a six years relationship and he thought it was his fault. My friend is a caring person so she tried to understand despite how hurt she was. Again this goes on for months.  She would ask to see him, he would barely ask her. I know what you’re all thinking but we have all been there. We think we can change them and we suffer. To make a long story short the last time they hung out they had a conversation. A long conversation that if I were her I would have killed him for having it with me. This guy had the nerves to look at her and tell her about all the girls he had slept with after her and that he had been talking to his ex again. WHO DOES THAT? She is still trying to get over him right now, she hasn’t looked at his social media or anything.
  3. Me, well guys I am just as much of a mess. My fantasy with Al had been slowly hurting me but this last week it actually did. I knew what my stupid self was doing seeing a guy who had told me he wanted me as well as other people after two months of us acting like we were dating (Read previous blogs for updates). He called me the other night. He was drunk and needed a ride, me being me I go and get him. He is drunk so you know how sweet they can get. At this point I thought I was numb to the pain and was slowly getting used to the idea that I was never gonna be enough for him. We get to his house and the words, the words he said just fogged my brain. Telling me that if I wasn’t in his life he would be hurt blah blah. I lost my pride and self respect that night. The next morning was what killed me. He took a phone call and was telling his friend how he went to the hotel hoping this one girl was there and he realized that I was right there so he tells his friend that he would tell him later. There I was the moron who picked him up from toga at 1 a.m, when he was also trying to get with someone else. I was convenient to him, literally was an option. Talk about slap in the face, why don’t you kick me in the crotch and spit in my face while were at it. I am way too nice to people who are not deserving. I knew he would be trying to go with other people but for some reason I did not want to believe it. I was holding on to what I thought was him instead of the reality of him. The ironic part is he kept telling me to stop thinking that he was an asshole….okayyyy.

I wanted to hurt him so bad, the same way he hurt me for months but I couldn’t. The pain I felt in my chest all day, the countless times that I had to swallow my tears but I couldn’t so I cried to my friends and my mom who wanted to murder him by the way. My mom did make me feel a bit better though. She said: “he is the one who is going to lose because to pass up a girl as amazing as you, is a big loss. He will never meet another one like you.” Honestly whenever I am upset she is the first person I go too. These guys, I don’t even know anymore. I have no words for them, just a lot of disappointment. I honestly partially blame some girls for allowing these guys to have that behavior (including me). We should not be treated that way or let someone treat us that way. It makes it look like its okay when its not. Why be so upset over someone you never really had? That is honestly something I am trying to figure out. Maybe its because we hold on to good memories and the what if ‘s that we ignore all the red flags. Seriously I tend to go for the opposite of what I need and even if I don’t I chose to ignore red flags when I shouldn’t. Right now I’m hurting, I’m not going to lie. I don’t even know what to think or do with myself but I keep pushing because I have been through worse. Letting go is something that I am terrible at doing, seriously it is so hard but I have to no matter how many sweet words the man speaks. The first step is erasing him from my life for good and that right there is the hard to do. The second is I really need to learn to respect myself and work on myself.  In fact I do have some pretty big changes coming up but I will tell you guys about it in another blog.

To The Ones Who Care

If you’re reading this you are hurt or you have been hurt at some point. You see I have been hurt and I am still hurting. I hurt from all types of things but the main cause of my pain was and is love. Why should I let such a silly thing like love hurt me? The answer is simple, I care too much.

Having a big heart means that you are prone to a whole world of hurt in a lot of things, especially love. You meet these people who come into your life and because you are you, you let them in. You slowly let them remove one layer at a time until you are left naked. Naked and vulnerable. This person that you have trusted with your all now has the power to completely destroy you if they wanted too. You give them that power because you still believe in something amazing. Unfortunately not everyone in this world has a big heart, some are just there to suck the energy out of you until there is nothing left and that is when they disappear.

My heart has been shattered countless times by people who I didn’t even think could be capable of hurting me. Every time I would pick myself up, try trusting again and find myself right back on the bathroom floor crying, begging myself to be strong, closing myself off a little more each time. You would think id be used to the pain by now, but nope. The one thing that amazes me is that no matter how hurt I have been in the past, I would always let people in. I would give them the benefit of the doubt. Ignoring all signs and listening to meaningless words with no actions to follow. I’m learning slowly, very slowly.  I know some people will say that I have done it to myself but I cant help it. I believe that there are decent human beings out there. I just wanted to feel something. Something other than pain from being let down countless times. To feel something other than pain caused by lies, secrets, cheating, walking away and the pain of believing that feelings were mutual.  I wanted to know that it was possible to feel at peace and happy with another person. I can be happy and at peace on my own, anyone can but with another person? That is the real challenge of this day and age.

When you care too much you almost forget how much you are doing for others. You forget until you realize that you have lost yourself trying to make someone a better version of themselves. You put so much time and effort into people, believing in them and that they can change that you set yourself up for disappointment and hurt. You alter yourself trying to make another person happy because they have convinced you to do so. You start to think that its normal to settle and change and one day the wind is knocked out of you because that person you cared so much for is gone. You did everything and anything for them, you belittled yourself and put your pride aside for someone to take advantage of you and leave with a part of you.

Let me tell you this, we may care too much and maybe it is our fault but I would rather be the one hurting than being the person who caused this pain on another. When you are left hurt and trying to pick yourself up, think of it as ruins. Ruins may look broken, hopeless and sad but they aren’t, they lead to beauty. Just look at Rome or Greece, people from all over the world come to see the ruins and they are breathtaking and beautiful. Just like us, something beautiful will come out of this, I have to believe that. Don’t ever let the vampires take your light away. They will always be cold souls but you? No way, your light will shine again, it may take time but it will.