To J

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this but do you think I could tell you something without it upsetting you?
I miss you.
It’s almost been a year since you left and I still find myself missing you when I run out of things to distract myself with. When we first met I fell head over heels for you. The way you looked at me, I can’t ever forget that. It was all new and exciting. We had the whole world and endless possibilities. I thought we could handle anything. That nothing could break us but somewhere along the way something did. I guess even the most beautiful things fall apart. If you’re lucky, those rare beautiful things can be fixed but we weren’t so lucky. It takes more than one person to rebuild, you walked away. You left me with the bittersweet flashbacks of our relationship. That’s the thing about grief. It hits us at the most random times. Like a drive past our favorite spot, a song on the radio, a movie or a restaurant. It all causes a flood of memories. Even the simplest of things like going to get ice cream from the store will set off memories with you. As unbearable as the pain is, I don’t regret you because you made me so happy. I needed you in my life to help me grow up. As much as I wanted to hold on to you and keep everything the same, I couldn’t. I don’t blame you for leaving if it’s what you needed. Sometimes I wish we could have one more of everything. One more meaningful conversation on your bed, one more kiss, and one more car ride, one more time of lying in your arms, one more trip to the grocery store together. But it would never be enough. Those one more’s will never add up to a lifetime. That’s all I ever wanted, a lifetime of us. I wish I never had to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real. There are no more one more’s. The idea that these one more’s will get something out of my system to make me feel better isn’t real. Certain things are just meant to be left in the past. The more you try and relive them or fix them, the more damage you cause to yourself. I guess this is the part where I chose myself now. I am so sad but grateful that I felt this kind of love for you. Maybe that’s why I’m still hurting, because it was real and that doesn’t just go away. As much as I would love to find closure, I don’t think I ever will. There are so many things I wish that I could say to you, but I know you won’t listen. Instead here is a letter you might never see, 521 words. Maybe this isn’t our journey anymore or maybe one day our paths will cross again. If they don’t I will always remember just how beautiful it all was, us, because we were magic, forever.

Too Young To Date

I started dating when I was 15 years old. At 15,  I felt like a grown up even though I wasn’t at all. Last night I started thinking, what if the problem is that we start dating too soon? I mean by the time were 23 most of us will have dated a decent number of people and the chances are most of us were hurt by a lot of them. A lot of the guys that we dated were just dumb and immature, they had no idea what to look for in a girl. They had no idea that they were letting go of an amazing person and they wont until later down the road. Some of the guys we dated were most likely infatuated with looks and the idea of having a girlfriend but the work wasn’t put in.  So here we are in our 20’s maybe even 30’s, fed up with dating but we’re still so young. Most guys won’t fully mature until they get into their 30’s. Maybe late 20’s but the guys I know and have met are not even close to being mature. They still think about partying, getting drunk on the weekends and sleeping around.

It just changes your perspective on meeting someone and you start to believe that it wont happen to you, that this is as good as its going to get. Well it’s not. I really believe that there are decent MEN out there and for men there are decent WOMEN. You just have to find each other and be patient. Obviously dating people is not a bad thing because it’s how you figure out what you like and want but maybe not starting so young. I swear 15 year old’s now a days don’t even know what being a kid means. Everyone is so eager to grow up.

Love is supposed to be this amazing thing. I have read about it, I have seen it but I have never actually felt it for someone. Well maybe I have but it wasn’t what you’d expect. I read so many comments from women who were replaced, lied to, cheated on, hurt, manipulated. The list is endless. Women begging for answers, trying to understand, waiting around, going back and blaming themselves. It breaks your heart, it definitely breaks mine. I have been through it. I understand that pain. I was strong enough to walk away, mainly because to me staying felt more impossible than leaving.  I just don’t want any of you guys to settle, ever. Do not settle, do not chase them, do not wait around. Love yourself unconditionally and just know that when its meant to happen, it will.

Changes

If you guys don’t know it yet, I am not a fan of change. I am terrified of it, mainly because I don’t know what to expect. Change means not being in control and letting things fall into place. Planning has always been my thing even though plans never work.

Change happens every day whether we like it or not. We experience it in every form. I think the biggest way to see change in people’s lives now a days is through their Instagram feed. The way people’s posts change over the years. Whether its a new relationship, a pregnancy, new friends, a new style, a new career or destination. All these events that we  share with each other,  they all show the changes in our lives. For me, change at this very moment is the person that I am comparing to the person that I was. The end of this chapter in my life means leaving the old me in the past. The me that was dependent on people for happiness, the one that would put herself second to others, the girl who would constantly compare herself, and who doubted herself. I guess one day I just woke up and decided that I loved myself just the way that I was and that I respected myself enough to know when to walk away from something.

I realized that this perfect romance that I was chasing did not exist YET. Because in order for me to grow old with someone, I have to grow up first. I need to go out and experience life, live out my dreams for ME so that I wont ever have regrets. We live in a weird time to fall in love, things are most definitely not as simple as they used to be. People don’t commit as much, there’s a thing called friends with benefits, people’s feelings change over night, and when things get hard, people walk away. So why fall for someone right now? It took me a while but I finally figured out that I did not have whatever power I needed to turn a boy into a man. It was never my job. You can’t make someone something that they’re not. I grew up believing in fairytales. Ever since we were little most of us have been told that we are princesses waiting for this prince to come and rescue us but in reality we are so much more. We could easily be the fairy godmother to a friend who needs our help. We can be the genie in the lamp when were trying to meet everyone’s expectations all at once but most importantly, we can be Prince Charming because a princess who can respect herself, can rescue herself.

I am weeks away from the biggest change that I have ever had to go through. I am basically leaving what has been familiar to me for years for something new. I just need to push myself. So here I am, leaving my old job, people that became important to me, and seeing how far I can really go. You guys get to come along with me, every step of the way.

 

Grown-ish

Tonight is a stressful night for me. Its the night before my birthday. I know a lot of you are gonna roll your eyes but I’m serious. Getting older is something that has always freaked me out. I am turning 23 years old. Seven years away from being thirty and you may laugh at this but I remember turning sixteen and now Im about to be 23. Time goes by so quick. I think when I was younger I assumed that by now I would have a lot more figured out than what I actually do.

I was having a conversation with one of my best friends who just got engaged last night. She is absolutely exhausted. She works two jobs, paying rent for an apartment with her fiancé, she doesn’t have a lot of time for herself. All these things really hit me hard. I remember us in high school, or sophomore year in college. We were careless. Just living life, not worried about the real world, having fun, no responsibilities and just like that here we are. The two girls who once had crazy ideas are now sitting on a couch exhausted and stressed out about life. Trying to figure out how to be adults but also trying to live like a 22 year old should.

I always told myself that I wanted more than an office job. I wanted more than to deal with my job, I wanted to love it. I wanted more than to just constantly work, get married and have kids without actually enjoying life. In Italy we have this saying “Il Dolce Far Niente,” the sweetness of doing nothing. I love that saying because sometimes doing nothing is just what someone needs. Enjoying the little things in life. Since coming to the United States I see how work driven people are. In fact many of them don’t take the time to enjoy the little things in life. They work, they save and that’s it. My friend looked at me and said “I don’t know how not to work,” how crazy is that? I guess I just always wanted more. I wanted adventure, memories, I wanted to see things and learn things. I wanted and still want to change the world, save lives. Obviously I can do those things now that I graduated but its scary. That first step is always scary. You get overwhelmed trying to figure out where to start. I come from a family that has sacrificed a lot for the younger generations (my cousins and I). I was the first to graduate college and I will be one of the first to take that first step into the world on my own. I also think the fact that its getting closer is freaking me out or that I really just don’t want to make a mistake.

Now that the holidays are over I will write more. I have so many things to say honestly but today I am going to go enjoy my birthday well in a few hours because its midnight right now.

To The Ones Who Care

If you’re reading this you’re hurt or you have been hurt at some point. I have been hurt, I’ll admit it. I was hurt from all types of things but the main cause is and was love. Why should I let such a stupid thing like love hurt me? The answer is simple, I care too much.

Having a big heart means that you are prone to a whole world of hurt in a lot of things, especially love. You meet these people who come into your life and because you are you, you let them in. You slowly let them remove one layer at a time until you find yourself vulnerable. This person that you have trusted now has the power to completely destroy you if they wanted too. You give them that power because you still believe in something amazing. Unfortunately not everyone in this world has a big heart. Some are just there to suck the energy out of you until there is nothing left and they disappear. It took me a while to realize that there really are bad people in the world and that a lot of them are great at hiding it.

My heart has been bulldozed countless times by people who I didn’t even think could be capable of hurting me. But every time I would pick myself up, and try to trust again. You would think id be used to the pain by now, but nope. The one thing that amazes me is that no matter how hurt I have been in the past, I still let people in. I give them the benefit of the doubt. Ignoring all signs and listening to meaningless words with no actions to follow.

I’m slowly learning ….very slowly.  I know some people will say that I have done it to myself but I cant help it. I believe that there are decent human beings out there. I just wanted to feel something. Something other than disappointment. I wanted to know that it was possible to feel at peace and happy with another person. I can be happy and at peace on my own, anyone can but with another person? That is the real challenge of this day and age. Relationships just aren’t what they used to be. When you care too much you almost forget how much you are doing for others. You forget until you realize that you have lost yourself trying to make someone a better version of themselves. You put so much time and effort into people, believing in them that you set yourself up to being hurt. You alter yourself trying to make another person happy because they have convinced you to do so. When in reality you shouldn’t have to change. The right person will accept you for you. The sad part is that most people start to think that its normal to settle and change. But it’s not and one day the wind is knocked out of you because when you least expect it that person you cared so much for is gone. You did everything and anything for them, you belittled yourself and put your pride aside for someone to take advantage of you and leave with a part of you.

Let me tell you this, we may care too much and maybe it is our fault but I would rather be the one hurting than being the person who caused pain on another. When you are left hurt and trying to pick yourself up, think of it as ruins. Ruins may look broken, hopeless and sad but they aren’t, they lead to beauty. Just look at Rome or Greece, people from all over the world come to see the ruins and they are breathtaking and beautiful. Just like us, something beautiful will come out of this, I have to believe that. Don’t ever let the vampires take your light away. They will always be cold souls but you? No way, your light will shine again, it may take time but it will.