Changes: Goodbye to the old Em

If you guys don’t know it yet, I am not a fan of change. I am terrified of it, mainly because I don’t know what to expect. Change means not being in control and letting things fall into place. Planning has always been my thing, I like to know ahead of time or I panic. So  what changes am I talking about? I am talking about a new chapter. One that no longer involves school since I graduated.

Change happens every day whether we like it or not. We experience it in every form. I think the biggest way to see change in people’s lives now a days is through their Instagram feed. The way people’s posts change over the years. Whether its a new relationship, a pregnancy, new friends, a new style, a new career or destination. All these events that we  share with each other,  they all show the changes in our lives. For me, change at this very moment is the person that I am comparing to the person that I was. The end of this chapter in my life means leaving the old me in the past. The me that was dependent on men for happiness, the one that would put herself second to others, the girl who would constantly compare herself, who doubted herself and lived in fear. I guess one day I just woke up and decided that I loved myself just the way that I was and that I respected myself enough to know when to walk away from something.

I realized that this perfect romance that I was chasing did not exist YET. Because in order for me to grow old with someone, I have to grow up first. I need to go out and experience life, live out my dreams for ME so that I wont ever have regrets. We live in a weird time to fall in love, things are most definitely not as simple as they used to be. People don’t commit as much, there’s a thing called friends with benefits, people’s feelings change over night, and when things get hard, people walk away. So why fall for someone right now? I cant handle any more of these boys masquerading as men that I have let into my heart and body only to find out that I did not have whatever power I needed to turn a beast into a prince. I grew up believing in fairytales. From a young age we are taught that we are princesses waiting for this prince to come and rescue us but in reality we are so much more. We could easily be the fairy godmother to a friend who needs help. We can be the genie in the lamp when were trying to meet everyone’s expectations all at once but most importantly, we can be Prince Charming because a princess who can respect herself, can rescue herself.

I am weeks away from the biggest change that I have ever had to go through. I am traveling back to Europe to see my family, starting a career somewhere and traveling to new places. I am basically leaving what has been familiar to me for years for something new.  Traveling alone is scary but I am also not getting any younger. I need to push myself to do the things that have terrified me, even if it means not knowing what to expect. So here I am, leaving my old job, my friends, people that became important to me, Panera bread, my gym, my house, my first car, all for a new and exciting fresh start. I am saying goodbye to the old Em and hello to the new one. You guys get to come along with me. Every step of the way.

 

Grown-ish

Tonight is a stressful night for me. Its the night before my birthday. I know a lot of you are gonna roll your eyes but I’m serious. Getting older is something that has always freaked me out. I am turning 23 years old. Seven years away from being thirty and you may laugh at this but I remember turning sixteen and now I am about to be 23. Time goes by so quick. I think when I was younger I assumed that by now I would have a lot more figured out than what I actually do.

I was having a conversation with one of my best friends who just got engaged last night. She is absolutely exhausted. She is working two jobs, paying rent for an apartment with her fiancĂ©, they just got a cat, she hasn’t been working out and has been stress eating which caused her to gain weight. All these things really hit me hard. I remember us in high school, or sophomore year in college. We were careless. Just living life, not worried about the real world, having fun, no responsibilities and just like that here we are. The two girls who once had crazy ideas are now sitting on a couch exhausted and stressed out about life. Trying to figure out how to be adults but also trying to live like a 22 year old should.

I always told myself that I wanted more than an office job. I wanted more than to deal with my job, I wanted to love it. I wanted more than to just constantly work, get married and have kids without actually enjoying life. In Italy we have this saying “Il Dolce Far Niente,” the sweetness of doing nothing. I love that saying because sometimes doing nothing is just what someone needs. Since coming to the United States I see how work driven people are. In fact many of them don’t take the time to enjoy the little things in life. They work, they save and that’s it. My friend looked at me and said “I don’t know how not to work,” how crazy is that? I guess I just always wanted more for myself. I wanted adventure, memories, I wanted to see things and learn things. I wanted and still want to change the world, save lives. Obviously I can do those things now that I graduated but its scary. That first step is always scary. You get overwhelmed trying to figure out where to start. I come from a family that has sacrificed a lot for the younger generations (my cousins and I). I was the first to graduate college and I will be one of the first to take that first step into the world on my own. I also think the fact that its getting closer is freaking me out or that I really just don’t want to make a mistake.

Now that the holidays are over I will write more. I have so many things to say honestly but today I am going to go enjoy my birthday well in a few hours because its midnight right now.