To J

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this but do you think I could tell you something without it upsetting you?
I miss you.
It’s almost been a year since you left and I still find myself missing you when I run out of things to distract myself with. When we first met I fell head over heels for you. The way you looked at me, I can’t ever forget that. It was all new and exciting. We had the whole world and endless possibilities. I thought we could handle anything. That nothing could break us but somewhere along the way something did. I guess even the most beautiful things fall apart. If you’re lucky, those rare beautiful things can be fixed but we weren’t so lucky. It takes more than one person to rebuild, you walked away. You left me with the bittersweet flashbacks of our relationship. That’s the thing about grief. It hits us at the most random times. Like a drive past our favorite spot, a song on the radio, a movie or a restaurant. It all causes a flood of memories. Even the simplest of things like going to get ice cream from the store will set off memories with you. As unbearable as the pain is, I don’t regret you because you made me so happy. I needed you in my life to help me grow up. As much as I wanted to hold on to you and keep everything the same, I couldn’t. I don’t blame you for leaving if it’s what you needed. Sometimes I wish we could have one more of everything. One more meaningful conversation on your bed, one more kiss, and one more car ride, one more time of lying in your arms, one more trip to the grocery store together. But it would never be enough. Those one more’s will never add up to a lifetime. That’s all I ever wanted, a lifetime of us. I wish I never had to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real. There are no more one more’s. The idea that these one more’s will get something out of my system to make me feel better isn’t real. Certain things are just meant to be left in the past. The more you try and relive them or fix them, the more damage you cause to yourself. I guess this is the part where I chose myself now. I am so sad but grateful that I felt this kind of love for you. Maybe that’s why I’m still hurting, because it was real and that doesn’t just go away. As much as I would love to find closure, I don’t think I ever will. There are so many things I wish that I could say to you, but I know you won’t listen. Instead here is a letter you might never see, 521 words. Maybe this isn’t our journey anymore or maybe one day our paths will cross again. If they don’t I will always remember just how beautiful it all was, us, because we were magic, forever.

Great Until They Have to be Great

As some of you know I am 23 years old. Yes, that’s young but old enough to understand certain things. I follow this page on Facebook and it has a lot of quotes that people relate to. Mainly people who have been hurt. I kept reading the comments and realized how many women were actually suffering and dealing with the same type of situations, trying to get themselves back up. We’ve all been through it, some of us a lot more than others. The majority of guys my age are terrifying. It’s like they woke up one day and realized that they no longer wanted to play with toys, they wanted to play with people.

This brings me to my next point, I realized something about myself. Something that I probably was trying to avoid for some time now. Part of me has been missing. I have been trying to fill this void for a while but the older I got the more I started to realize that I had to slow down and get some self respect. Not to jump into a relationship so fast. To heal.I honestly think I tried moving on so fast because I didn’t want to feel pain. Losing someone that means a lot to you is a horrible pain. The wiser me finally understood that. Right now I’m still working on healing myself completely, one day at a time. I am no longer letting myself suffer over the same guys. The ones who use women to get what they want until they are done. The guys that know the right things to say and do, to keep you hanging on. You don’t even see them coming or what hit you when they leave. I’m basically here to say that yes, it hurts. You feel anger, you feel sad, confused, you want answers and apologies that you probably wont ever get but its okay.

It’s okay to want them to hurt just as bad as they hurt you but don’t! I am such a strong believer that those who have hurt us get what is coming to them. This is also a reminder that you don’t always have to be strong, you are allowed to have bad days. You can be upset and cry about how things ended. I have my “why me” moments and cry sessions. Sometimes I even get annoyed hearing “Just focus on yourself” or “you’ll meet someone eventually.” Not because it’s not true but because my heart was just stomped on and I don’t want to hear it. We’re humans we can’t be brave and strong all the time. I am telling you though being hurt as much as I have makes you tough. You start to realize that not all compliments are genuine, most of them will just say anything for one thing…..Which brings me to the following, DO NOT give it up so quickly. If they do only want one thing you are going to be hurt even more when you give it up and they disappear. Although you do have those few people who will chase you for a long period of time and when you do give it up they leave, like it was some kind of challenge. Words are just words, it sucks but it’s true.

All of us go through it, we let ourselves have hope and get completely blind sided. We all know the struggle of trying to forget someone. Asking ourselves millions of questions about what they are doing, if they’re sorry or feel bad, who the next victim is, if they ever even cared in the first place or if Karma hit them. Nothing can really stop those lousy feelings immediately. Just remember that there is life after that person. They are just bruises not tattoos. Bruises are temporary, they eventually fade. Self respect and self love are a must and most importantly, don’t ever go back. Those people know how to drag you back in, ignore them. I know it’s hard but delete them off of your social media, block their number basically anything to keep them away. I couldn’t for a while so I know it’s hard. I was never strong enough to say no until today. Be strong. It was never about you so don’t blame yourself, they are the problem. You just keep doing you!

 

 

That One Single Friend

We have all been through this at some point. When all our friends are in happy relationships and there you are the next Bridget Jones. Now being single is not a bad thing at ALL. This is actually the first time that I have been single in a while and it’s taking some getting used to. When you’re single you actually have nothing to worry about but it does get a little lonely, like when you go out with your friends who all have boyfriends. I met my friend Jenna Saturday night and she told me about this guy she met, Tom. She told me about how well he treats her and how happy she is so of course Im happy for her but part of me could not help but wonder why I never met decent guys. I know you guys probably think I’m being dramatic but ask my friends, I had some very controlling and toxic relationships. I have dated the nerdy guys, the muscular guys, what seemed like the nice guys and I always ended up hurt. I am not saying I’m losing hope but its hard to stay optimistic. Jenna went on to talk about how happy she is with Tom, how much she loves him meanwhile I was eating a whole pizza by myself and pounding back cocktails.

Later on, we decided that we wanted to go to Dave and Busters. I was having fun and at that point I was tipsy and killing it at skee ball. We decided to get more drinks so we sat at a table and that’s when it happened….more of my cuffed friends came along. Again there I was downing my cocktail like it was water while listening to how great their boyfriends were, how amazing it is to live with them, and all these future plans they had. I didn’t think it could really get much worse at that point…. until it did. As they were making plans to go on these triple dates, one of them actually looked at me and said ” Em, how is your love life going, anyone special?” I wish you guys saw my face at that very moment… I looked at her and said ” Nope, I was dumped over text by my boyfriend of one year and I was recently shut down by a guy who may or may not have the peter pan syndrome.” I don’t know why I love making things awkward by telling people way more information than they probably wanted to know. At that very moment I got the exact reaction that I was expecting, silence followed by the awkward “oh” response but don’t worry she went right back to talking about her relationship.

Usually when your friends are finally tired out of talking about their boyfriends they turn their attention on the single friend, in this scenario its me. This is the part where they try to set me up. Jenna had this one friend named Joe. Joe was a dad, who was bald, lived on a ranch and worked at the post office. Now I did not except a Brad Pitt or young Johnny Depp look alike but come on. I know I should lower my standards but I dated guys who were in shape, guys who weren’t in shape at all, those who went to college and those who did not go to college. Just once I would like someone that meets my standards, I don’t think I’m being selfish when I say this.

And that was my Saturday night, See you next post.