Grown-ish

Tonight is a stressful night for me. Its the night before my birthday. I know a lot of you are gonna roll your eyes but I’m serious. Getting older is something that has always freaked me out. I am turning 23 years old. Seven years away from being thirty and you may laugh at this but I remember turning sixteen and now I am about to be 23. Time goes by so quick. I think when I was younger I assumed that by now I would have a lot more figured out than what I actually do.

I was having a conversation with one of my best friends who just got engaged last night. She is absolutely exhausted. She is working two jobs, paying rent for an apartment with her fiancé, they just got a cat, she hasn’t been working out and has been stress eating which caused her to gain weight. All these things really hit me hard. I remember us in high school, or sophomore year in college. We were careless. Just living life, not worried about the real world, having fun, no responsibilities and just like that here we are. The two girls who once had crazy ideas are now sitting on a couch exhausted and stressed out about life. Trying to figure out how to be adults but also trying to live like a 22 year old should.

I always told myself that I wanted more than an office job. I wanted more than to deal with my job, I wanted to love it. I wanted more than to just constantly work, get married and have kids without actually enjoying life. In Italy we have this saying “Il Dolce Far Niente,” the sweetness of doing nothing. I love that saying because sometimes doing nothing is just what someone needs. Since coming to the United States I see how work driven people are. In fact many of them don’t take the time to enjoy the little things in life. They work, they save and that’s it. My friend looked at me and said “I don’t know how not to work,” how crazy is that? I guess I just always wanted more for myself. I wanted adventure, memories, I wanted to see things and learn things. I wanted and still want to change the world, save lives. Obviously I can do those things now that I graduated but its scary. That first step is always scary. You get overwhelmed trying to figure out where to start. I come from a family that has sacrificed a lot for the younger generations (my cousins and I). I was the first to graduate college and I will be one of the first to take that first step into the world on my own. I also think the fact that its getting closer is freaking me out or that I really just don’t want to make a mistake.

Now that the holidays are over I will write more. I have so many things to say honestly but today I am going to go enjoy my birthday well in a few hours because its midnight right now.

The Manipulator

Don’t you just love meeting one of these creatures? The manipulators, a breed that has only increased over the years. The only thing they are good at is fucking with your head and making you feel like absolute shit about yourself. Its not just me going through it with Al but my friends and sister too. They all have their own versions. Let me tell you guys some of the stories.

  1. My sister had met this guy named Steve. Now Steve has been stringing her along for seven months. They met at work, at first there was nothing really wrong with him. He was your average guy, so she thought. It started with making plans and him always cancelling them. When my sister had enough, he would sweet talk his way back in, making up some dumb excuse and making her feel bad. His argument was that he was too afraid to commit again because of his last relationship. Now seven months down the road I asked her what she was still doing holding on to this guy. My sister told me that he had finally said that he was ready to start dating her (how convenient). Right after he said that he did not talk to her for a week. A week goes by and I get a phone call from her. She was bawling her eyes out because Steve, the grown 40 years old man had posted a picture of him out on a date with another girl. She finally decided to block him, good for her because for the most of us that is hard to do.
  2. My best friend is the second story, now our friendship goes way back to high school. Her and I are the exact same person and seeing her and my sister go through this or anyone that I know or don’t know for that matter kills me. Hers is named Will. Will is a nurse that works at the same hospital as her. He was everything she was looking for (on paper). When they met it was amazing, she was so happy. He was a bit older than her but not by much. Just enough to have her thinking that he was mature (HA what a joke). He took her out to dinner to meet his friends, they would talk for hours, hangout and he even cooked her dinner at his place. After a few months she started developing feelings for this guy. Its like guys can sense when feelings become involved because right after that he told her he did not want anything serious. WHY are they never upfront with their intentions, seriously.  He had gotten out of a six years relationship and he thought it was his fault. My friend is a caring person so she tried to understand despite how hurt she was. Again this goes on for months.  She would ask to see him, he would barely ask her. I know what you’re all thinking but we have all been there. We think we can change them and we suffer. To make a long story short the last time they hung out they had a conversation. A long conversation that if I were her I would have killed him for having it with me. This guy had the nerves to look at her and tell her about all the girls he had slept with after her and that he had been talking to his ex again. WHO DOES THAT? She is still trying to get over him right now, she hasn’t looked at his social media or anything.
  3. Me, well guys I am just as much of a mess. My fantasy with Al had been slowly hurting me but this last week it actually did. I knew what my stupid self was doing seeing a guy who had told me he wanted me as well as other people after two months of us acting like we were dating (Read previous blogs for updates). He called me the other night. He was drunk and needed a ride, me being me I go and get him. He is drunk so you know how sweet they can get. At this point I thought I was numb to the pain and was slowly getting used to the idea that I was never gonna be enough for him. We get to his house and the words, the words he said just fogged my brain. Telling me that if I wasn’t in his life he would be hurt blah blah. I lost my pride and self respect that night. The next morning was what killed me. He took a phone call and was telling his friend how he went to the hotel hoping this one girl was there and he realized that I was right there so he tells his friend that he would tell him later. There I was the moron who picked him up from toga at 1 a.m, when he was also trying to get with someone else. I was convenient to him, literally was an option. Talk about slap in the face, why don’t you kick me in the crotch and spit in my face while were at it. I am way too nice to people who are not deserving. I knew he would be trying to go with other people but for some reason I did not want to believe it. I was holding on to what I thought was him instead of the reality of him. The ironic part is he kept telling me to stop thinking that he was an asshole….okayyyy.

I wanted to hurt him so bad, the same way he hurt me for months but I couldn’t. The pain I felt in my chest all day, the countless times that I had to swallow my tears but I couldn’t so I cried to my friends and my mom who wanted to murder him by the way. My mom did make me feel a bit better though. She said: “he is the one who is going to lose because to pass up a girl as amazing as you, is a big loss. He will never meet another one like you.” Honestly whenever I am upset she is the first person I go too. These guys, I don’t even know anymore. I have no words for them, just a lot of disappointment. I honestly partially blame some girls for allowing these guys to have that behavior (including me). We should not be treated that way or let someone treat us that way. It makes it look like its okay when its not. Why be so upset over someone you never really had? That is honestly something I am trying to figure out. Maybe its because we hold on to good memories and the what if ‘s that we ignore all the red flags. Seriously I tend to go for the opposite of what I need and even if I don’t I chose to ignore red flags when I shouldn’t. Right now I’m hurting, I’m not going to lie. I don’t even know what to think or do with myself but I keep pushing because I have been through worse. Letting go is something that I am terrible at doing, seriously it is so hard but I have to no matter how many sweet words the man speaks. The first step is erasing him from my life for good and that right there is the hard to do. The second is I really need to learn to respect myself and work on myself.  In fact I do have some pretty big changes coming up but I will tell you guys about it in another blog.

Finals

Ahhhh finals that amazing time of the year where my stress level is so high it feels like I am about to have a panic attack every thirty seconds. This isn’t just any regular end of the semester for me, these are my last finals as an undergrad student. Basically if I don’t pass these finals I am screwed.  Obviously everyone tries to reassure me. They say that everything is going to be fine and that’s sweet and all but they are not the ones going through it. I have twenty different assignments due on the same day and on top of that  I have to study for exams. Exams that are scheduled on the same day! How twisted are these professors?!

This week is so much unnecessary stress. These professors wait to give out guides at the last minute not to mention assign homework….let me just throw myself out of a window while were at it, it might hurt less. If you’re like me you will start to think about everything that could go wrong, about backup plans like running away to Aruba and opening a surf shop. You think of everything that still has to be done and studied for and that is how stress increases. But the main thing for me is that I want this for myself and for my family. We waited so long for this, it cannot blow up in my face. I hate that feeling of disappointment. If finals weren’t bad enough they make you wait like five extra days for official grades to be posted.

Some tips I have if you are going through this; take a break or two. If you feel like your head is going to explode turn on something funny on TV and just take a minute to breathe. I always watch ‘Friends,” that show always has me laughing. Eat some chocolate, this might just be my thing honestly but chocolate always puts me in a better mood. Listen to some music, in my opinion music fixes everything (for a short period of time). I’m going to tell you guys something a little embarrassing but what’s been helping me a lot is listening to subliminal videos. Its a video with positive affirmations playing in the background mine is to manifest passing my finals. It may sound silly but the sounds in the video calm me down and I become more positive instead of negative and overthinking every detail. I am the queen of overthinking which is a terrible habit. Working out helps me a lot, running while listening to music always helps me to relax. Telling myself that I am not the only one going through this is also very helpful, were all going through it. Unfortunately I do not have the calm and peaceful attitude that most people have. I don’t just think positively all the time and wake up like Cinderella with birds singing and everything being peachy. I am a very stressed out person who does think of the future and panic. I try living in the moment but its just not who I am. I am a planner even if it doesn’t workout that way its fine but at least I had some type of idea, I cannot just wing it. Anyways enough about that. I am gonna go re read my study guide!

Ill be posting probably on Thursday once my finals are over because I do need to focus but wish me luck guys! I’m going to need it.